If you've been following my posts for a while, you'll know that my faith plays an important role in my ability to deal with what is happening. I'm still human, though, and sometimes I cry out in strange ways.
As I watch Ben lose his hair by the handfuls, I struggle with all kinds of internal emotion I find hard to describe. I mean, it's not like I'm somehow oblivious to what's going on, it's just that stuff like this is very striking. To say that I have been crying out to God is an understatement. I finally made a section in my Prayer Notebook entitled "Cries of the Heart" and I poured out my emotions to Him. He already knew, but it was helpful to put my disjointed words on paper.
So far, there's only one entry in the "Cries of the Heart", and it was made on July 3rd, a Friday. I won't post the contents here, but it consisted of a lot of whining ending with "please give me strength as I don't feel like I can take one more step."
Of course God gives me strength every day. I mean, it's why I get up. If not for Him, I'd lie in bed staring at the ceiling, mired in hopelessness and wrapped in sadness.
But, I get up, I spend time in Scripture and prayer, and then go through my day, and very often the hopelessness and sadness are washed away by God. I don't feel them all day, until I lie down to sleep again.
So, on July 3rd, I cried out.
On Monday, July 6th, I ran into a friend at Wal-Mart. She's a sweet lady who's overcome many hurdles to homeschool three wonderful men to adulthood. She was so reassuring when we chatted in the store, and I shared some things that were on my heart, but I'd never spoken aloud. When I said, "I wish God would just take it from me." She said that I really didn't want that. And you know what, she's right. Even the Bible tells us that we are refined by the trials of our lives. It's not supposed to be easy. I mean, the fire used to refine silver is HOT. Why wouldn't the trials to refine our faith be TOUGH. I can see it.
She ended our meeting with a hug and lots of reassuring words I won't share here. It meant an awful lot to see her, and God knew I needed to hear strong words from someone.
On Tuesday, July 7th, I ran some errands to supplement my school planning. When I got back, my husband mentioned that his cousin had sent me a package. I opened the package to find absolutely gorgeous kitchen hand towels emblazoned with Scripture! They have verses from Psalm 89, Psalm 33:5, Psalm 91, and Psalm 103. They are dominated by blue embroidery with gorgeous little blue and yellow birds. My favorite color is blue! I would have burst into tears if not for the presence of my husband. It felt so good to read the precious note she wrote me included with the towels and hold such lovely creations displaying the LORD's Scripture.
God knew that I'd be moved by such a lovely gesture, and that having His Scripture before my eyes as I pass through the house would lift me up.
On Wednesday, July 8th, I decided to take a challenge I read on Facebook. I don't recall the wonderful lady who suggested it, but she said that we should chose a Scripture to pray over and then pray over it every hour, on the hour. So, starting at 9:15 am, I prayed over Jeremiah 29:11-13. This is my "cling to" Scripture, a promise made by God to His children.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NASB)
I have memorized this Scripture to hide in my heart. And today, I have prayed over it multiple times. I've probably done more crying over it than anything. I KNOW God made this promise. I just need His reassurances. I mean, I don't know what tomorrow holds. I actually don't know what today holds. I only know what this MOMENT holds. But God promised that He'd take care of us. Why do I need reassurance? Because I'm human. So, cry and pray for it, I did.
One of my prayer times was during my haircut. As my wonderful stylist was working on my hair, I prayed my Scripture, for her, and for the facility's owner. When we got home from the cuts, I ate lunch and finally found time to log into Facebook. There, I found an unexpected message. The sweet lady who runs the homeschool group I'm part of wanted to let me know that someone had paid my dues for the next year and she was going to tear up my check I'd sent earlier.
Not going to lie -- I burst into tears.
"For I know the plans I have for you...."
I cry out to God and He answers. BEFORE I EVEN ASKED, He answered on Monday, He answered on Tuesday, and now He's answered on Wednesday. Every single instance designed to bolster a tired and aching wife of a darling husband fighting a deadly disease. Designed exactly for me, at exactly the right time.
I don't know where you are today, lovely reader, but I pray that you get the assurance you need for your situation. I pray you find the Scripture to lift your heart to new heights, I pray that you receive the right word at the right moment for your circumstances, but most of all I pray that you encounter the One True God in a way that leaves you speechless.
It may not seem like it with this long post, but I'm full of tears of joy and am speechless over God's amazing provision. He's made a promise, and now He's reassured me.
Oh, LORD, how I love You.
Psalm 91:4 (NASB)
He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge,
His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark.
*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website The Graphics Fairy. All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.
