The Question

So, Ben's fifth of 6 chemotherapy sessions occurred this past week.  It was the usual Thursday/Friday early morning appointments.  His blood numbers were good, though, so no need for potassium or iron, which made the days nice and short.  And while his CEA tumor marker had been rising during this entire round of chemotherapy, the previous week's appointment with the nurse practitioner revealed a decline of 0.1.  It's not much, but it was specifically prayed for, so we are grateful that the LORD heard our petition!

And while I am sharing of answered prayers, I must share another.  I specifically prayed that Ben would have a far less arduous time than usual with the Saturday Neulasta shot.  On Saturday evening, after he'd been up and around all day (which is unusual), he stated that he never took the Claritin pill they suggest to hold the pain at bay.  Then, on Sunday, he was up and around nearly all day.  He didn't take the Claritin pill again.  He finally revealed that this experience was a far cry from the usual trapped-in-bed-three-days experience he usually has.  PRAISE GOD!  

Today's blog title is ... The Question.  

When Ben's cancer marker stared rising again at the beginning of this round of chemotherapy, I started losing sleep.  My mind crawled right back into those dark, horrible places where no one should be, robbing me of sleep, crippling my days, and destroying my peace.  I began to be surrounded by hopelessness (again).  

And, right on cue, I landed right back on the question I've asked the LORD probably thousands of times.  

Why?  Why us?  Why Ben?  Why?  Why?  Why?

Now, I'm no theological giant.  I'm just Kimberly.  So, this is just Kimberly's way of looking at life, the universe and everything through the filter of the love of the Lord Jesus.  This may not help you. But it might help someone.  And if something painful I share helps another person, then that's a positive.

I've put off posting this particular blog because it sounds so strange to me.  Maybe it's like that great joke in your head, that's just awful when you finally say it.  But God inspired me to go ahead and write this blog tonight by revealing something to me this morning.  I'll share that story at the end of the blog, so you can laugh with me.

So, I am struggling with the events of our lives. I know God has a purpose, and I know His purposes are always right and good.  But, I'm human so I struggle.

One day, I imagined what I'd ask God if He walked into my room and sat at the foot of my bed.  He would look at me and say, "My child, what's wrong?"

And I'd say, "Why us?"  I'd sound just like my children when they whine "why" at me after I assign a chore, or decline a request.  It's probably got the same lilting cry sound as my own children's voices.  In fact, when I cry out "why" to God, I'm absolutely certain it's more a cry than a question.

Now, pause for a moment with me.  The LORD of all creation is preparing to answer my whiny "Why".  He loves me, so I know my questions are not unimportant to Him.  Is there any answer He could give to which I'd say, "but God..."?

"Why us, LORD?"

"Because, Kimberly, you and Ben are strong enough to grow through this, and by growing through this you will draw closer to Me.  When you draw closer to Me, you will have peace and hear My voice."

Would I say, "but God, I don't want that."  No, I wouldn't.  It's my dream to draw closer to Him.  Every time He does something spectacular in my world, I want more.  I want to be closer.  I would not turn that down.

"Why us, LORD?"

"Because, Kimberly, you and Ben aren't walking where I want you to be, and illness brings weakness.  And with weakness, you are made strong through Me.  You learn to lean on Me and My provision, and trust My plans."

Would I say, "but God, I don't want that."  No, I wouldn't.  It's my desire to walk where He wants me to walk because that path is blessed of Him.  I want to learn to trust Him with my every step, my every day, my every thought, my every breath. 

"Why us, LORD?"

"Because, Kimberly, through the testimony of your storm, I can draw others to Myself and bring them hope everlasting."

Would I say, "but God, I don't want that."  No, I wouldn't.  If there is something in my life that can draw someone to the loving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, then I'd want that to shine.

And I could go on, probably for pages.  The more I pondered loving answers to "Why us, LORD", the more I realized there is nothing the LORD could ever share that would make me say, "but God...".  Not one thing.

So, what is ... The Question?

Well, to be completely honest, if you are walking in a place like I am, I'm not sure what the question is for YOU.  But, I think I know the question for me.  

"What do You want me to do next, LORD?"

Now, that's a little harder for me to ask.  It's less of a whine, and more of a call to action.  I can't sit and wallow in the pity that "why" brings into my world, when I'm asking what to do next.  I have to sit still and listen. Then, I must move in obedience.

It's a far harder question to ask.  And, truth be told, I have an exceedingly hard time asking.  When Ben is moaning in his sleep because he's in such discomfort, I can't think beyond "why".  So, I'm certainly not in that place yet.  But, at least I have a guide rope to follow to the right place.  Maybe in some blog in the future I can share my successes.  Perhaps they will inspire you too.  But, for now, I'm just hanging on and trying to learn.

Now, I promised a story.  Like I said, I'd "written" this blog on the tablet of my mind multiple times, but had never posted it.  I'm not sure why; I just didn't.  Well, this morning, my 2nd oldest child drove us to church.  That gave me an opportunity to close my eyes and fall into my whine of "why".  Over and over I asked -- "why is it like this" "why must Ben suffer" "why won't You just heal him" "why can't I sleep" "why why why" -- all the way to church.   When I got to church I even whined that I didn't want to be there; I just wanted to be at home in my fuzzy slippers being lazy.

So, after our son parked the car, I got out and looked back to grab my purse.  There, on the edge of the seat, was a candy bar.  Now, I'll be honest, I *thought* I looked at the seat as I sat down before we left the house and there was nothing there.  I usually do look.  But, sure as day, that candy bar was sitting on the edge of the seat.  It was a Snickers bar, but that's not what was on the bar.  There was one word on the wrapper, right where the name usually appeared.

"Whiny."

I laughed.  I *had* whined, all the way to church.  I was diving deep into my personal pity party, trapped in in a spiral that leads me down dark paths to utter hopelessness.  Maybe the candy bar was there to urge me out of my "why" trap and back into the "what next" step.  I don't know.  I know that it sure opened my eyes.  And I laughed at it because it was truth to me, and I needed the truth.

To complete the story, we had communion today at church.  Beautiful.

Please don't think that I have it together.  I still jump to "why" when it's bad.  I still struggle to pull the heavy blanket of hopelessness off my shoulders so that I can just move and do what God has called me to do.  But, I have a path and a plan.  And you know what?  That's a start.  It's just enough light for the step I'm on.  And that's all I need as I learn to better trust Him.

If you've read this far, I want to pray a blessing over you.  I pray that you find comfort in your storm.  I pray that you find God's hand reaching for you in the clamor of your life, that you feel His gentle touch on your shoulder to guide you, that you hear His soft voice as the clamor rages.  I pray that you are surrounded in a blanket of God's love and mercy, and that peace will overflow into your days.  I pray that your love cup will be filled by the LORD of all creation, for He loves you with a jealous love. 

John 3:16 (NASB)

¹⁶ “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website Vintage Holiday Crafts.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.

A Gentle Breeze

Things have been quiet since my last blog post.  I'm not very good at blogging -- I actually find it a little like a chore -- but I do like to blather on, so a blog is a way to do that.  That way, those who want to read my blathering can, and those who don't can go watch a movie instead!  Win win for everyone, I say.

So, this post is a touch long.  My apologies, but I can't really cut this down.

This past September 2015, Ben found out that two of his tumors have "gone quiet" and the other two persist.  So, while that was a PRAISE moment (thank You Father God!!), that also meant more chemotherapy, though the oncologist reduced the dosage to facilitate an improved QoL.  Up until this scan in September, his CEA tumor marker had been going down, but since then, it's slowly creeping back up.  He's done three chemotherapy sessions in this round, and last week he had a regular appointment.  This is my post from Facebook the day of the appointment (23 October 2015).

"Ben had an appointment this morning with his oncologist. Overall, he was okay. On his blood results we got that his immune system is mostly okay, his potassium is still a little low, his calcium is a little low, and he's still a bit anemic. Unfortunately, his cancer marker rose again. He's feeling decent today, so that's a bonus.

I'm going to Andalusia this evening for a crafting sleepover with my friend Angie. I am going to do my best to let go of my responsibilities and just enjoy experimenting on things or making things. I'm going to sit in the quiet of the loveliness of Blue Lake and absorb the beauty of the world that Got created.

He said, "Be still and know that I AM GOD."
So, I'm going to pray to just be still.

Please do pray for Benjamin, not only for his blood work results, but also for his care of the kids tonight. He must take Rachel to a soccer game tonight and, if they win, tomorrow morning (I believe). Please pray that he's up to that. If he's not, please pray that perhaps our older son or my dad will be available to help, as needed.

The cancer marker's rise fills me with a deep dread. BUT, God has a plan. I'm going to simply trust that plan. I'm going to hold onto the hem His robe as He walks me through this storm. This is not going like I'd do it, but that's okay. His plans are always good, right, and right on time. No matter what happens, I will praise the One who sustains me, refreshes me, redeems me, forgives me, loves me, strengthens me, defends me, provides for me, comforts me, whispers to me, and owns it all. My praise will come at the feet of the LORD Jesus."

Source: O'Canada

Obviously, I do quite a lot of crying out to God.  He's not burdened by this at all.  He has time to listen, and He loves me and WANTS me to cry out to Him. 

I packed the van with my supplies and started the long drive to Andalusia.  It takes about 2 hours, and most of it is not lovely interstate.  As I started my drive, I comment out loud to my teddy bear -- who was making the ride with me -- that the sky was so beautiful and filled with fluffy white clouds, I needed a picture to paint later.  (See image to right for an example.)

After I moved from the interstate to a US highway, I was able to spend more time observing the beauty of the day.  Trees lined road, it was lightly traveled, and was just generally peaceful.  And during this time, that's when I saw it, the cloud formation that made me say, "did I really see that?"

And I did.  I managed to take this picture.  There was no one behind me, and only the 18-wheeler in front of  me.  By the time I took the shot, the clouds were less well formed.  But, just above the tree-line, mid-picture is what I saw -- two hands together, forming a heart.

Source: Wallpapers WIDE

It's was not nearly as well-formed by the time I got this shot, and I deeply regret not stopping to just take it, but I was afraid to stop since I was alone.  You will have to take my word for it -- the formation of the clouds blew me away.  It made me think of God saying, "you are too full of worry and fear.  I love you.  Trust Me, and let worry go."

I felt so good after seeing those clouds.  I felt *comforted*.

Now, I didn't find time until Saturday morning to simply be still.  As I sat on the bench in front of our lodge, I realized that all I could hear were the sounds of nature.  No cars, no interstate noise, no honking horns, nothing man-made.  It was just nature.  And as I sat there, I said aloud, "I don't really know how to be still and know You are God.  I don't know what to do."

So, I started remembering a story in 1 Kings, where Elijah the prophet challenged the prophets of Baal at the altars (1 Kings 18:20-40).  In short, the prophets of Baal could do nothing, but the power of the LORD answered Elijah that day and the prophets were slain after God's amazing demonstration.  That upset Jezebel (whom the prophets served) so much, she told Elijah she was going to kill him, so he fled (1 Kings 19:1-8).  Eventually, Elijah is on the mountain of Horeb, in a cave.  There, he laments to God that Jezebel wants to take his life.  This exchange between him and God then takes place.

1 Kings 19:11-13 (NASB)
¹¹ So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

As I pondered this story, I heard a sound.  It was a gentle breeze.  It passed through the trees from east of me to west of me.  And, then it ceased.  True to form, tears filled my eyes.

Psalm 46:10 NASB
“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

In the sounds of nature, with the absence of man's noise, I heard a gentle breeze.  Now, I'm not Elijah.  I didn't hear a voice that said, "what are you doing here, Kimberly."  But I felt the presence of the LORD.  I felt His peace, and His love. 

But, you know what struck me the most about Elijah's moment with God?  God didn't yell to get his attention.  He essentially whispered.  He doesn't fly at us, angry that we question Him.  He passes by in the gentle breeze to say, "what's wrong?"  If you read the remainder of the passage, Elijah pours out his heart to God.  And to his heart's cry, God gives Elijah gentle instruction.  There's no admonishment, no chastisement -- just simple instruction.  

Now, I don't have anything particularly profound with which to end this blog.  When I arrived home on Saturday, the weight of my responsibility returned.  But I did come back with something I needed -- a reminder of God's reassurance.  He hears the cry of my heart, He sees the tears on my face, He knows the worries of my mind and yet, in the gentle breeze He reminded me that He is ever-present.  I lose sight of that because I let the clamor of life drown out the Gentle Breeze.

How do I fix that?  I cannot tell you ... yet.  Perhaps I'll have that in a future blog post.

But, for you my reader, I pray that you receive from my post something that lifts you up, that reassures you that the LORD of all creation loves YOU.  I pray you are able to listen for Him in the gentle breeze, to hear His sweet whispers.   I pray you are comforted for whatever troubles you and worries you, that He can wrap you up in a blanket of reassurance and bolster your trust.  I pray that you rest peacefully, know that He has a love so great, not a thing in this world can break it.  I pray that the LORD blesses you with sweet, sweet peace.

Sources:
O'Canada: http://ocanadablog.com/2012/11/20/visit-to-wolfville-nova-scotia-and-surrounding-area/
Wallpapers WIDE: http://wallpaperswide.com/hands_making_a_heart_in_the_sunset-wallpapers.html

 

God's Timing is Always Right

God is so good.

If you've been following my posts for a while, you'll know that my faith plays an important role in my ability to deal with what is happening.  I'm still human, though, and sometimes I cry out in strange ways.  

As I watch Ben lose his hair by the handfuls, I struggle with all kinds of internal emotion I find hard to describe.  I mean, it's not like I'm somehow oblivious to what's going on, it's just that stuff like this is very striking.  To say that I have been crying out to God is an understatement.  I finally made a section in my Prayer Notebook entitled "Cries of the Heart" and I poured out my emotions to Him.  He already knew, but it was helpful to put my disjointed words on paper.

So far, there's only one entry in the "Cries of the Heart", and it was made on July 3rd, a Friday.  I won't post the contents here, but it consisted of a lot of whining ending with "please give me strength as I don't feel like I can take one more step."

Of course God gives me strength every day.  I mean, it's why I get up.  If not for Him, I'd lie in bed staring at the ceiling, mired in hopelessness and wrapped in sadness.

But, I get up, I spend time in Scripture and prayer, and then go through my day, and very often the hopelessness and sadness are washed away by God.  I don't feel them all day, until I lie down to sleep again.  

So, on July 3rd, I cried out.

On Monday, July 6th, I ran into a friend at Wal-Mart.  She's a sweet lady who's overcome many hurdles to homeschool three wonderful men to adulthood.  She was so reassuring when we chatted in the store, and I shared some things that were on my heart, but I'd never spoken aloud.  When I said, "I wish God would just take it from me."  She said that I really didn't want that.  And you know what, she's right.  Even the Bible tells us that we are refined by the trials of our lives.  It's not supposed to be easy.  I mean, the fire used to refine silver is HOT.  Why wouldn't the trials to refine our faith be TOUGH.  I can see it.  

She ended our meeting with a hug and lots of reassuring words I won't share here.  It meant an awful lot to see her, and God knew I needed to hear strong words from someone.

On Tuesday, July 7th, I ran some errands to supplement my school planning.  When I got back, my husband mentioned that his cousin had sent me a package.  I opened the package to find absolutely gorgeous kitchen hand towels emblazoned with Scripture!  They have verses from Psalm 89, Psalm 33:5, Psalm 91, and Psalm 103.  They are dominated by blue embroidery with gorgeous little blue and yellow birds.  My favorite color is blue!  I would have burst into tears if not for the presence of my husband.  It felt so good to read the precious note she wrote me included with the towels and hold such lovely creations displaying the LORD's Scripture.

God knew that I'd be moved by such a lovely gesture, and that having His Scripture before my eyes as I pass through the house would lift me up.  

On Wednesday, July 8th, I decided to take a challenge I read on Facebook.  I don't recall the wonderful lady who suggested it, but she said that we should chose a Scripture to pray over and then pray over it every hour, on the hour.  So, starting at 9:15 am, I prayed over Jeremiah 29:11-13.  This is my "cling to" Scripture, a promise made by God to His children.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NASB)

¹¹ For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.
 

I have memorized this Scripture to hide in my heart.  And today, I have prayed over it multiple times.  I've probably done more crying over it than anything.  I KNOW God made this promise.  I just need His reassurances.  I mean, I don't know what tomorrow holds.  I actually don't know what today holds.  I only know what this MOMENT holds.  But God promised that He'd take care of us.  Why do I need reassurance?  Because I'm human.  So, cry and pray for it, I did.  

One of my prayer times was during my haircut.  As my wonderful stylist was working on my hair, I prayed my Scripture, for her, and for the facility's owner.  When we got home from the cuts, I ate lunch and finally found time to log into Facebook.  There, I found an unexpected message.  The sweet lady who runs the homeschool group I'm part of wanted to let me know that someone had paid my dues for the next year and she was going to tear up my check I'd sent earlier.  

Not going to lie -- I burst into tears.

"For I know the plans I have for you...."

I cry out to God and He answers.  BEFORE I EVEN ASKED, He answered on Monday, He answered on Tuesday, and now He's answered on Wednesday.  Every single instance designed to bolster a tired and aching wife of a darling husband fighting a deadly disease.  Designed exactly for me, at exactly the right time.

I don't know where you are today, lovely reader, but I pray that you get the assurance you need for your situation.  I pray you find the Scripture to lift your heart to new heights, I pray that you receive the right word at the right moment for your circumstances, but most of all I pray that you encounter the One True God in a way that leaves you speechless.

It may not seem like it with this long post, but I'm full of tears of joy and am speechless over God's amazing provision.  He's made a promise, and now He's reassured me.

Oh, LORD, how I love You.

Psalm 91:4 (NASB)
He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge,
His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark.

*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website The Graphics Fairy.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.

And Just Like That ... The Ship Runs Aground

Well, three months ago, I posted about our cancer journey.  At that time, we'd not gotten great news, but basically a report that it was "about as good as it's going to get."

So, for three months, Ben had amazing quality of life.  The pills, while riddled with their own brand of side effects, came nowhere close to the misery of the IV chemotherapy.  Ben enjoyed somewhat better sleep, a better overall feeling of health, and a generally happier (seemingly) demeanor.  He still suffered the diarrhea and tummy troubles, along with troubles in the hands and feet, but it just wasn't near as bad as the IV chemo.

On June 4th, that came to an end.  

He had a new P.E.T. scan on June 1st.  I prayed that God would suck the cancer out of Ben and make the scan clear.  I asked everyone I know to pray for similar.  But, God said, "no".

On June 4th, we found out that the cancer tumors are, again, active.  Once more, it's back to the IV chemotherapy.  It's back to the side effects that are more debilitating, the more upset tummy, the more traumatized digestive system.  We are back to 3 days out of every 14 of sitting in the cancer center, waiting, waiting, waiting.  Waiting for blood tests. Waiting for the pharmacy to pull up the medication.  Waiting for the drip, drip, drip of life-saving medication that simultaneously destroys cancer and wrecks healthy cells.

But, you know what?

We had 3. Good. Months.

We had 3 months of loveliness.  Of energy, and laughter, and feeling like life was kinda-sorta-almost-maybe normal.  It was bliss.

And I am grateful to the LORD of all creation that we had those 3 months.  He gave us a breather.  I needed it. 

So, as I post this, we are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.  When I was first told that Ben had colon cancer, the only things I knew about that type of cancer wrapped around my brain stem and strangled all rational thought and I stammered to God, "please, let me celebrate my 25th anniversary with him.  Please don't call him home."

And here we are, prayer answered.  Perhaps I should have aimed for the stars!  But, I didn't.  I aimed for tomorrow.  And you know what, Jesus even told us to stop worrying about tomorrow.  He's amazing and I'm not.  I can't quite stop worrying.

This coming Thursday begins the next cancer chapter.  A new medication will be used, one that doesn't cause neuropathy in his hands and feet.  However, it definitively causes hair loss.  When the doctor shared that, Ben silently took out the scale of "which one is less worse" and weighed the options.  You could see it in his eyes as he pondered the choices.  Ultimately, he chose hair loss.

My prayer for him is unchanged.  God is Jehovah Rophe.  He is the Great Healer.  I am praying for earthly healing.  I am also praying for acceptance of God's ultimate plan.  I know the odds. Ben does too.  But, we are still asking for earthly healing.

So, as the journey starts again, I return to the verse of hope for me, the verse I read over our 2nd son as he graduated in May.  I share it, again, with you.  Because, you wanna know something really cool?  

God ALWAYS keeps His promises.  You can bank on that.

God is good,
All the time.
And all the time,
God is good.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NASB)

¹¹ For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.


*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website Free Vintage Images.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them. 

The Rest of the Story

So, as mentioned in my last post, we got the results of Ben's P.E.T. scan.  It wasn't as we'd hoped, but it wasn't truly bad either.  

The short of it was -- this is your life now.

The doctor never said remission.  Instead he said that the tumors are as small as they'll ever be.

The doctor never said that chemo was over.  Instead he said that Ben would always be doing some type of treatment to keep those tumors from growing.

So, indeed, this is our lives now.  There's no more guessing.  This is the new path God has placed us upon.  Our feet have left the comfortable path of yesterday, and been placed on the unknown path of now.  So, we must walk it.  

We have two choices -- we can fumble in the darkness, feeling blindly in the fading light wondering what's next.

Or, we can walk in The Light.  And God will give us just enough Light for the next step.  And we can learn to trust Him in ways that we may have never experienced before.

Life is full of noise and clamor.  God is full of peace and joy.  I'll take the peace and joy.  I just pray I can KEEP taking the peace and joy, and stop leaning on Kimberly to do things that Kimberly is really barely capable of doing.

So, there is a "rest of the story", to quote the late Paul Harvey.

Ben was offered a regimen of chemotherapy pills. This would replace the 6-8 hours of time spent at the cancer center.  It would also, theoretically, eliminate the need for the Neulasta shot that is so debilitating. 

But, there was a cost.  And that cost was quoted to us as being $900/month.

Welp, that was that.  We are too stretched to pull that off.  The cancer center suggested we contact our insurance to see if there was another option.  I then started asking people to pray.  I mean, Ben so much wanted to get away from that shot, and I wanted so badly for him to have that too.

Ben contacted the insurance and after about an hour on the phone he came back with an estimate if we used their mail order option.

$35/month

God is so good!  It would have never dawned on me to trust mail order, but the experience has been very good and very affordable!

However, that is not "the rest of the story."

For seven days, Ben took this medication -- 4 pills in the morning, 4 at night.  At the end of the seven days, Ben said that though the side-effects are basically the same, he doesn't feel quite as bad.  His fingers and toes are tingling (nerve damage), and his digestive system is screwy, but he didn't lose 3 days to Neulasta.

And ... here's the biggy.

At some point in the past, I mentioned in a post how much I missed the days when Ben would out-walk me to the door of a store.  He would walk so fast, he'd end up stopping to watch me catch up.  This cancer took that away from him, and the roles changed such that I'd often stand and wait on him.

But not anymore.

As we walked to the cancer center to see the nurse practioner after his first 7 days of the pills, he did it. 

He out-walked me.

He had to turn and wait.

And I was stunned.  After 7 long months of miserable chemotherapy to fight the cancer monster, Ben felt well enough to OUT-WALK ME.

You know what?  I'm so glad.  It's a small step.  We can't have that old path back, but having this old reminder of a different path made a huge difference to me that day.  Maybe it's silly.  Maybe it's strange.  Maybe it goes away again.  

But I had it that day.

That one day, I had Ben back to himself.

The drug therapy is so much better on him.  Side effects are going to happen, but quality of life matters so much.

So, I thank the LORD of all creation for hearing my cries, and answering me in this way.

I am grateful.

And for those of you who read this and pray regularly, this is our praise.  Did we get our "yes" from the LORD?  No, not really.  But He's still taking care of us!  I love Him so much.

Thank you so much, my precious friends.  You are a treasure on earth.

Praise the LORD!  Praise Him!

Psalm 150 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

A Psalm of Praise.

150 Praise the Lord!
Praise God in His sanctuary;
Praise Him in His mighty expanse.
² Praise Him for His mighty deeds;
Praise Him according to His excellent greatness.

³ Praise Him with trumpet sound;
Praise Him with harp and lyre.
⁴ Praise Him with timbrel and dancing;
Praise Him with stringed instruments and pipe.
⁵ Praise Him with loud cymbals;
Praise Him with resounding cymbals.
⁶ Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord!

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the website Antique Images.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them. 

 

I Wear Blue For My Hero

It is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness month.  Starting tomorrow, I will be wearing blue for my hero, my husband Benjamin, as he continues to fight this cancer.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything I felt was worthy of posting.  Much of what I've wanted to say fit neatly in a small package, so I posted it to Facebook for my family and close friends instead.  But today, on the eve of learning the results of Ben's latest scan, I thought I'd post.

I truly don't have much to say.  God has bestowed blessing after blessing upon us.  It makes me feel so incredibly loved that God cares for even the tiniest things in my seemingly mundane life.  And yet, He loves me in all my flailing and failings, so much so that He lifts my chin to tell me, directly, that He loves me.

I stand amazed.

Tomorrow, at 1:30pm central time, we will learn the results of the last P.E.T. scan Ben had, which was on Tuesday of this week.  It's rough waiting so many days, and yet some small part of me actually doesn't want to hear.  

God has a great plan.  His plan is always perfect, right, and right on time.  I pray His plan includes full earthly healing for Ben.  I also pray that, if God says 'no' to my request, that I can accept His plan.  Sometimes, it's hard being told 'no'.  

When I think back to Ben's visit to the walk-in doctor last April, there's one thing that comes to mind over and over. 

If only one person had said, "blood in your stool can also point to cancer," I think we would have taken action much more quickly.  It never crossed my mind.  Ever.  I never though, "oh cancer".  We both thought, "oh ulcer".  If only one person had ever said it, things might be different.  Might.  

Well, you know what hindsight is anyway.

I wear blue for my hero.  Ben, who's body has been subjected to chemicals I'd not will on an enemy.  Ben, who's complaints are very minimal.  Ben, who declines my offers to bring his drinks or foods when he's decidedly under the weather.  Ben, who works from home while also struggling with fatigue.  Ben, who's fingers are likely irreversibly damaged by one of the medicines, that he can feel constantly, yet says little.

Ben, my darling husband of 24 1/2 years, is my hero.  

I cannot even begin to imagine how he feels.  I cannot picture how I'd behave in his situation.  You cannot escape the startling reality of mortality as chemotherapy drugs drip through the IV and into the body.  How do you handle it?  

I'm not the one with cancer, but I deal with this poorly.  The house is a wreck, we often don't have nice, hot meals at night because I'm stuck in some strange world of "I can't do it anymore".  And yet, I look at Ben, think of what he's enduring, and I pull up my bootstraps and mush on.

He's the strong one.  I'm the weak one.  It's hard trying to be the strong one, while the strong one becomes the weak one.  God is my strength to pull me out of bed, to drag me to the store to get toilet paper (we ran out), to encourage me to call friends, and seek prayer.  I am not doing this on my own power, because my battery is low.  I am doing this because, when I plug into God's power, I can make it happen.

So, tomorrow, we get news.  I am praying for news of remission.  But no matter what happens, I will be praising God.  Why?  Because, no matter what happens, He is the Great I Am, and He is why I am.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 NASB

¹⁷ Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ Yet I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
¹⁹ The Lord God is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.

For the choir director, on my stringed instruments.

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the website Old Design Shop.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.  

God's Reassurances

I don't really have a lot to say tonight, but I do want to share something that continually amazes me -- God's reassurances.

I'm not sure why God has to step in over and over to reassure me of His promises.  It's not like I don't already know, because I do.  But, I get lost in the events of life.  I see Ben suffering under the effects of the chemo, or the immunization booster shot and I get ... lost.  I *know* God's promises, but when the reality of living blocks my view of the LORD, I guess I "forget".

However, God loves me so much, He doesn't mind reminding me just how much He loves me.  And, for that, I stand amazed.  I mean, I can't really remind my kids to do the same thing twice without a little "grump" in my voice, yet the LORD of the universe is patiently nodding, reminding me "yes, yes, My child, I love you and will take care of you."

I'm grateful He does that for me, and for each and every one of us.  He is always ready to show us His love.

So, one of the verses I cling to is God's promise for my life -- Jeremiah 29:11 (NASB):

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

I've probably mentioned this promise multiple times over various posts.  Ben is our family's breadwinner.  His cancer is dangerous.  His struggles are constant.  As such, this makes the future feel quite uncertain, even bleak.   But that's not what God promises.  So, this verse, and Romans 8:28 (NASB) are the verses to which I cling.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

If you've been reading this blog, you've seen me quote these before. But, I somehow forget.  Or, I let life consume me, and I lose sight of the truth of Scripture.  

On January 1st, I decided to start a new devotional that includes space to write thoughts and reflections.  The devotional, Jesus Calling, A 365-Day Journaling Devotional by Sara Young, was an impulse purchase as I bought Christmas presents.  When I bought it, I thought I might give it to someone, but I felt strongly as if I were to keep it.  So, I set it aside for my personal use.

As I sat to write, I reflected on how very much our lives had changed with Ben's diagnosis, and how the future was currently unrolling.  I was pondering how I'd use the guide and what I'd write while also considering the future of who might read it (hopefully just one of my children).  I opened the book to January and there it was, in print for me for all eternity.

God's mighty promise.



I was astounded.  I sat silent for a long time, simply looking at the page and the verse I cling to like Linus to his blanket.  This is my security verse and here it was, given to me by the LORD of the universe.  He knew I'd need it, so He urged me to keep the book.  And while looking at this verse, I was surrounded by a profound feeling of love, and care.

And that's how I started my new year, the year of our LORD 2015.  

Thank You, my Father, for loving me so much!  I pray that you who are reading this will feel the warmth and undeniable presence of His love right now, wherever you are, and whatever you may be going through.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NASB

¹⁶ Rejoice always; ¹⁷ pray without ceasing; ¹⁸ in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the website HubPages, specifically the collection of Carla Chadwick.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to her.