And while I am sharing of answered prayers, I must share another. I specifically prayed that Ben would have a far less arduous time than usual with the Saturday Neulasta shot. On Saturday evening, after he'd been up and around all day (which is unusual), he stated that he never took the Claritin pill they suggest to hold the pain at bay. Then, on Sunday, he was up and around nearly all day. He didn't take the Claritin pill again. He finally revealed that this experience was a far cry from the usual trapped-in-bed-three-days experience he usually has. PRAISE GOD!
Today's blog title is ... The Question.
When Ben's cancer marker stared rising again at the beginning of this round of chemotherapy, I started losing sleep. My mind crawled right back into those dark, horrible places where no one should be, robbing me of sleep, crippling my days, and destroying my peace. I began to be surrounded by hopelessness (again).
And, right on cue, I landed right back on the question I've asked the LORD probably thousands of times.
Why? Why us? Why Ben? Why? Why? Why?
Now, I'm no theological giant. I'm just Kimberly. So, this is just Kimberly's way of looking at life, the universe and everything through the filter of the love of the Lord Jesus. This may not help you. But it might help someone. And if something painful I share helps another person, then that's a positive.
I've put off posting this particular blog because it sounds so strange to me. Maybe it's like that great joke in your head, that's just awful when you finally say it. But God inspired me to go ahead and write this blog tonight by revealing something to me this morning. I'll share that story at the end of the blog, so you can laugh with me.
So, I am struggling with the events of our lives. I know God has a purpose, and I know His purposes are always right and good. But, I'm human so I struggle.
One day, I imagined what I'd ask God if He walked into my room and sat at the foot of my bed. He would look at me and say, "My child, what's wrong?"
And I'd say, "Why us?" I'd sound just like my children when they whine "why" at me after I assign a chore, or decline a request. It's probably got the same lilting cry sound as my own children's voices. In fact, when I cry out "why" to God, I'm absolutely certain it's more a cry than a question.
Now, pause for a moment with me. The LORD of all creation is preparing to answer my whiny "Why". He loves me, so I know my questions are not unimportant to Him. Is there any answer He could give to which I'd say, "but God..."?
"Why us, LORD?"
"Because, Kimberly, you and Ben are strong enough to grow through this, and by growing through this you will draw closer to Me. When you draw closer to Me, you will have peace and hear My voice."
Would I say, "but God, I don't want that." No, I wouldn't. It's my dream to draw closer to Him. Every time He does something spectacular in my world, I want more. I want to be closer. I would not turn that down.
"Why us, LORD?"
"Because, Kimberly, you and Ben aren't walking where I want you to be, and illness brings weakness. And with weakness, you are made strong through Me. You learn to lean on Me and My provision, and trust My plans."
Would I say, "but God, I don't want that." No, I wouldn't. It's my desire to walk where He wants me to walk because that path is blessed of Him. I want to learn to trust Him with my every step, my every day, my every thought, my every breath.
"Why us, LORD?"
"Because, Kimberly, through the testimony of your storm, I can draw others to Myself and bring them hope everlasting."
Would I say, "but God, I don't want that." No, I wouldn't. If there is something in my life that can draw someone to the loving grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, then I'd want that to shine.
And I could go on, probably for pages. The more I pondered loving answers to "Why us, LORD", the more I realized there is nothing the LORD could ever share that would make me say, "but God...". Not one thing.
So, what is ... The Question?
Well, to be completely honest, if you are walking in a place like I am, I'm not sure what the question is for YOU. But, I think I know the question for me.
"What do You want me to do next, LORD?"
Now, that's a little harder for me to ask. It's less of a whine, and more of a call to action. I can't sit and wallow in the pity that "why" brings into my world, when I'm asking what to do next. I have to sit still and listen. Then, I must move in obedience.
It's a far harder question to ask. And, truth be told, I have an exceedingly hard time asking. When Ben is moaning in his sleep because he's in such discomfort, I can't think beyond "why". So, I'm certainly not in that place yet. But, at least I have a guide rope to follow to the right place. Maybe in some blog in the future I can share my successes. Perhaps they will inspire you too. But, for now, I'm just hanging on and trying to learn.
Now, I promised a story. Like I said, I'd "written" this blog on the tablet of my mind multiple times, but had never posted it. I'm not sure why; I just didn't. Well, this morning, my 2nd oldest child drove us to church. That gave me an opportunity to close my eyes and fall into my whine of "why". Over and over I asked -- "why is it like this" "why must Ben suffer" "why won't You just heal him" "why can't I sleep" "why why why" -- all the way to church. When I got to church I even whined that I didn't want to be there; I just wanted to be at home in my fuzzy slippers being lazy.
So, after our son parked the car, I got out and looked back to grab my purse. There, on the edge of the seat, was a candy bar. Now, I'll be honest, I *thought* I looked at the seat as I sat down before we left the house and there was nothing there. I usually do look. But, sure as day, that candy bar was sitting on the edge of the seat. It was a Snickers bar, but that's not what was on the bar. There was one word on the wrapper, right where the name usually appeared.
"Whiny."
I laughed. I *had* whined, all the way to church. I was diving deep into my personal pity party, trapped in in a spiral that leads me down dark paths to utter hopelessness. Maybe the candy bar was there to urge me out of my "why" trap and back into the "what next" step. I don't know. I know that it sure opened my eyes. And I laughed at it because it was truth to me, and I needed the truth.
To complete the story, we had communion today at church. Beautiful.
Please don't think that I have it together. I still jump to "why" when it's bad. I still struggle to pull the heavy blanket of hopelessness off my shoulders so that I can just move and do what God has called me to do. But, I have a path and a plan. And you know what? That's a start. It's just enough light for the step I'm on. And that's all I need as I learn to better trust Him.
If you've read this far, I want to pray a blessing over you. I pray that you find comfort in your storm. I pray that you find God's hand reaching for you in the clamor of your life, that you feel His gentle touch on your shoulder to guide you, that you hear His soft voice as the clamor rages. I pray that you are surrounded in a blanket of God's love and mercy, and that peace will overflow into your days. I pray that your love cup will be filled by the LORD of all creation, for He loves you with a jealous love.
John 3:16 (NASB)
16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website Vintage Holiday Crafts. All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.
