It has now been a little over 8 months since the LORD called Benjamin home. It's a strange passage of time -- feeling really short, but yet feeling like an eternity. I guess in a way it's a little surreal. I wake up in the morning and simply think, "hrm, oh, it's another day." And then I stumble from activity to activity, doing the next thing until bedtime arrives.
A few days ago, as I drove from the grocery store, I listened to an announcer on K-Love radio discussing a child who died to cancer. She had been prayed for by many people across the country (or perhaps the world). He started with, "have you ever been discouraged with God?" He went on to talk about the prayers for healing and that the LORD chose instead to call the child home. His voice was thick with emotion.
It reminded me that I've been there. Clinging to the hope of healing by the very tips of my fingers, but facing the truth and reality that healing wasn't God's answer. And I made a startling discovery with that broadcast -- I am upset with God. I had fervently denied being upset or angry because I don't *feel* angry, but God revealed to me that I am, indeed, upset with Him. He opened my eyes.
So, I prayed tearfully, asking Him to reveal Himself, to bolster my faltering faith, to forgive my unbelief. I begged Him to help me see what He is trying to show me, to help me walk forward instead of feeling frozen in time. I asked Him to help me stop comparing my life to others, to stop trying to figure out why my blessings aren't like someone else's.
Last night, I opened a blank journal given to me the day after Benjamin's death and I made my first entry. It felt AMAZING to put into print some thoughts and remembrances. I recounted some things Benjamin said to me his last time in the hospital, when we had the "what is your life going to be like after I die" talk.
Benjamin wanted me to move forward, not stall in place. Last night, I told God I don't know how to do that and I don't know what I'm supposed to be finding in Him.
Today, I read Streams in the Desert for June 15th. You can click the link and read the entire entry, if you like. The prayer in the middle of the page could have been written by me. It's exactly how I feel much of the time, beaten and lost, unsure where to turn. And then, this amazing piece followed:
"Withal, friend, you are mistaken. It isn’t raining rain for you. It’s raining blessing. For, if you will but believe your Father’s Word, under that beating rain are springing up spiritual flowers of such fragrance and beauty as never before grew in that stormless, unchastened life of yours.At first, after I read this, I let it slide down and away. And then ... it started raining here at my home. I walked to the front door, opened it to smell the cleanness of the air, to feel the coolness of the breeze, to hear the softness of the rain. And while looking out, I remembered the above passage.
You indeed see the rain. But do you see also the flowers? You are pained by the testings. But God sees the sweet flower of faith which is upspringing in your life under those very trials.
You shrink from the suffering. But God sees the tender compassion for other sufferers which is finding birth in your soul.
Your heart winces under the sore bereavement. But God sees the deepening and enriching which that sorrow has brought to you.
It isn’t raining afflictions for you. It is raining tenderness, love, compassion, patience, and a thousand other flowers and fruits of the blessed Spirit, which are bringing into your life such a spiritual enrichment as all the fullness of worldly prosperity and ease was never able to beget in your innermost soul."
And with that, I feel the LORD's gentle answer to my tearful pleas. Because, interestingly enough, I had decided last night to take action on something I've been thinking of a while, something that would touch others going through trials. And I had also decided to work harder on something I'm already doing for those going through trials. The thought of these make me feel uplifted, even if I feel unqualified.
Thankfully, Streams in the Desert revealed and reaffirmed what I scratched the edge of last night. You know that feeling, right? You are on the very edge of an epiphany, but you can't quite get there. And as the LORD washed the world today, He touched my aching, crying spirit with the gentleness only He can do. He led me to that epiphany.
I just pray that I can actually move, that I can actually hold onto the hope that there ARE blessings in this pain, there is an upswing of my faith. I know He has a plan for me. I need to shut out the ramblings of the world, and listen to the sweet, loving whispers of the LORD of all creation. He loves me.
Father God, thank You that You think of me even when I'm consumed by myself. Thank You that You call me out, that Your gentle whisper can be heard over the clamor of this world. I don't know how to act on what You've shown me, but I pray that I will heed Your guidance and walk in the steps You've ordained no matter how hard. I'm weak. Please be my strength. And Father, for anyone reading who is struggling as I am, I lift them to You. Please love on them. Whatever their pain, whatever their struggle, please whisper to their soul and calm their spirit and just love on them. I love You. Amen.
Psalm 103:1 NASB
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website The Graphics Fairy. All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.
