A Gentle Breeze

Things have been quiet since my last blog post.  I'm not very good at blogging -- I actually find it a little like a chore -- but I do like to blather on, so a blog is a way to do that.  That way, those who want to read my blathering can, and those who don't can go watch a movie instead!  Win win for everyone, I say.

So, this post is a touch long.  My apologies, but I can't really cut this down.

This past September 2015, Ben found out that two of his tumors have "gone quiet" and the other two persist.  So, while that was a PRAISE moment (thank You Father God!!), that also meant more chemotherapy, though the oncologist reduced the dosage to facilitate an improved QoL.  Up until this scan in September, his CEA tumor marker had been going down, but since then, it's slowly creeping back up.  He's done three chemotherapy sessions in this round, and last week he had a regular appointment.  This is my post from Facebook the day of the appointment (23 October 2015).

"Ben had an appointment this morning with his oncologist. Overall, he was okay. On his blood results we got that his immune system is mostly okay, his potassium is still a little low, his calcium is a little low, and he's still a bit anemic. Unfortunately, his cancer marker rose again. He's feeling decent today, so that's a bonus.

I'm going to Andalusia this evening for a crafting sleepover with my friend Angie. I am going to do my best to let go of my responsibilities and just enjoy experimenting on things or making things. I'm going to sit in the quiet of the loveliness of Blue Lake and absorb the beauty of the world that Got created.

He said, "Be still and know that I AM GOD."
So, I'm going to pray to just be still.

Please do pray for Benjamin, not only for his blood work results, but also for his care of the kids tonight. He must take Rachel to a soccer game tonight and, if they win, tomorrow morning (I believe). Please pray that he's up to that. If he's not, please pray that perhaps our older son or my dad will be available to help, as needed.

The cancer marker's rise fills me with a deep dread. BUT, God has a plan. I'm going to simply trust that plan. I'm going to hold onto the hem His robe as He walks me through this storm. This is not going like I'd do it, but that's okay. His plans are always good, right, and right on time. No matter what happens, I will praise the One who sustains me, refreshes me, redeems me, forgives me, loves me, strengthens me, defends me, provides for me, comforts me, whispers to me, and owns it all. My praise will come at the feet of the LORD Jesus."

Source: O'Canada

Obviously, I do quite a lot of crying out to God.  He's not burdened by this at all.  He has time to listen, and He loves me and WANTS me to cry out to Him. 

I packed the van with my supplies and started the long drive to Andalusia.  It takes about 2 hours, and most of it is not lovely interstate.  As I started my drive, I comment out loud to my teddy bear -- who was making the ride with me -- that the sky was so beautiful and filled with fluffy white clouds, I needed a picture to paint later.  (See image to right for an example.)

After I moved from the interstate to a US highway, I was able to spend more time observing the beauty of the day.  Trees lined road, it was lightly traveled, and was just generally peaceful.  And during this time, that's when I saw it, the cloud formation that made me say, "did I really see that?"

And I did.  I managed to take this picture.  There was no one behind me, and only the 18-wheeler in front of  me.  By the time I took the shot, the clouds were less well formed.  But, just above the tree-line, mid-picture is what I saw -- two hands together, forming a heart.

Source: Wallpapers WIDE

It's was not nearly as well-formed by the time I got this shot, and I deeply regret not stopping to just take it, but I was afraid to stop since I was alone.  You will have to take my word for it -- the formation of the clouds blew me away.  It made me think of God saying, "you are too full of worry and fear.  I love you.  Trust Me, and let worry go."

I felt so good after seeing those clouds.  I felt *comforted*.

Now, I didn't find time until Saturday morning to simply be still.  As I sat on the bench in front of our lodge, I realized that all I could hear were the sounds of nature.  No cars, no interstate noise, no honking horns, nothing man-made.  It was just nature.  And as I sat there, I said aloud, "I don't really know how to be still and know You are God.  I don't know what to do."

So, I started remembering a story in 1 Kings, where Elijah the prophet challenged the prophets of Baal at the altars (1 Kings 18:20-40).  In short, the prophets of Baal could do nothing, but the power of the LORD answered Elijah that day and the prophets were slain after God's amazing demonstration.  That upset Jezebel (whom the prophets served) so much, she told Elijah she was going to kill him, so he fled (1 Kings 19:1-8).  Eventually, Elijah is on the mountain of Horeb, in a cave.  There, he laments to God that Jezebel wants to take his life.  This exchange between him and God then takes place.

1 Kings 19:11-13 (NASB)
¹¹ So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

As I pondered this story, I heard a sound.  It was a gentle breeze.  It passed through the trees from east of me to west of me.  And, then it ceased.  True to form, tears filled my eyes.

Psalm 46:10 NASB
“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

In the sounds of nature, with the absence of man's noise, I heard a gentle breeze.  Now, I'm not Elijah.  I didn't hear a voice that said, "what are you doing here, Kimberly."  But I felt the presence of the LORD.  I felt His peace, and His love. 

But, you know what struck me the most about Elijah's moment with God?  God didn't yell to get his attention.  He essentially whispered.  He doesn't fly at us, angry that we question Him.  He passes by in the gentle breeze to say, "what's wrong?"  If you read the remainder of the passage, Elijah pours out his heart to God.  And to his heart's cry, God gives Elijah gentle instruction.  There's no admonishment, no chastisement -- just simple instruction.  

Now, I don't have anything particularly profound with which to end this blog.  When I arrived home on Saturday, the weight of my responsibility returned.  But I did come back with something I needed -- a reminder of God's reassurance.  He hears the cry of my heart, He sees the tears on my face, He knows the worries of my mind and yet, in the gentle breeze He reminded me that He is ever-present.  I lose sight of that because I let the clamor of life drown out the Gentle Breeze.

How do I fix that?  I cannot tell you ... yet.  Perhaps I'll have that in a future blog post.

But, for you my reader, I pray that you receive from my post something that lifts you up, that reassures you that the LORD of all creation loves YOU.  I pray you are able to listen for Him in the gentle breeze, to hear His sweet whispers.   I pray you are comforted for whatever troubles you and worries you, that He can wrap you up in a blanket of reassurance and bolster your trust.  I pray that you rest peacefully, know that He has a love so great, not a thing in this world can break it.  I pray that the LORD blesses you with sweet, sweet peace.

Sources:
O'Canada: http://ocanadablog.com/2012/11/20/visit-to-wolfville-nova-scotia-and-surrounding-area/
Wallpapers WIDE: http://wallpaperswide.com/hands_making_a_heart_in_the_sunset-wallpapers.html