Here For a Reason

It's been a little while since I last posted.  We did receive Ben's P.E.T. scan results, and while they weren't "bad", they were also not necessarily "good".  They were, in a boring word: progress.  One tumor gone, one unchanged but no longer active, and two more spots to watch.  Diagnosis: six more sessions of chemo over three months, starting December 30th.

It took me a LONG time to process that information, and accept that God's answers to my prayers were not "yes".  I've had to remind myself that this is His plan, it's always good for those who love Him, and it's not for calamity.  But, I'm human, and it doesn't look like not-calamity.  So, I am hanging onto faith.  God's got this, and I need to believe that with all my heart.

Unsurprisingly, I dropped pretty far into the blues.  We quietly remembered the delivery date of our stillborn baby girl on 1995 December 22.  And I realized one afternoon that all the plans I'd set up for Christmas back in July were decimated by the way our lives had changed.  It made me feel very weepy, down, and blue.  

Plans up in flames.  Diagnosis not what I'd prayed fervently for.  Weather gray and cold.

Yes, the blues found a home in me.  I struggled to find joy in anything, felt paralyzed by everything, and basically just didn't want to function.  It's a silly way for a mom to be cause my family needs all of me, but I wasn't really there to be had.  I was kinda there, kinda functioning, kinda moving, kinda doing.  But, all of mom wasn't present.

And then it happened.

Christmas 2014.

It happened in multiple parts.  So, I'm going to share each piece, and keep it brief enough so your eyes don't glaze over.

First, I wrapped presents.  Now, I'm a chronic procrastinator.  I was shopping as late as the night of the 23rd for ideas.  Like I said, my well-laid plans went kaboom, so I had to fall back into panic mode.  But here's the thing -- it wasn't panic.  I just calmly picked up each and every item that the LORD laid on my heart.

And then I wrapped them.  I printed my own gift tags, bought lots of snowflake paper, some ribbon and bows, and just buried myself in the task.  And it felt GOOD.  I mean, really REALLY GOOD.  I love love LOVE giving things to people.  And if you ever hint that you like blue, or flowers, or anything you'll get something from me eventually that matches that thing. And that brings me joy.  

Wrapping presents for my family brought me immense joy.  I felt the darkness lifting from my aching soul, and I found joy.

Next, we had Christmas with my family on the 25th.  It was silly, there was tons of food and lots of laughter.  I loved watching my kids open their gifts from my mom and dad, and my brother and his wife.  There were exclamations of surprise and thankfulness, and I was immersed in the moment.  I had been a little weepy earlier in the day, but that had no place in this moment.  This moment was the enjoyment of love and family and sadness had no place there.  More darkness lifted.

That night I received something from the LORD I did not expect.  As usual, I was crying to Him about our circumstances and He gave me this song over K-Love Radio.  Ben and I both went to look it up on Youtube, so we could see the lyrics.  I really encourage you to listen if you have time.

Here For a Reason by Ashes Remain

The lyrics for this song reached deep inside of me and reminded me -- all things work for good because God makes that promise in the Bible and His word is always true.


"Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There's purpose for your life
So don't give up
Don't lay down
Just hold on
Don't quit now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are here for a reason"

Yes, that's what His word promises.  There is a reason for this journey.  It's not something He haphazardly tossed in the general direction of our family.  He *chose* us for this journey.  He has a *purpose*.  Still hard, this journey, but He *chose* us for this not because He wants to harm us, but because He wants to make us stronger.  I can't see that yet.  I can't imagine how that will play out.  So, to faith I must cling, and He's reminding me that He's here, ever-present.

The final icing on the cake was the family reunion for Ben's side of the family.  He seemed really poor feeling Friday, and I was fearful we'd not be able to go.  However, on Saturday he arose looking and feeling good.  He even wanted to drive us there!  I was hesitant to let him drive the 2.5 hours, but I pushed that aside and said nothing.

And, for 2.5 hours, life felt normal again.  It was just like our old normal, and it was comfortable.  I melted into the world that represented, even though I knew deep inside that the old normal wasn't for us anymore.  God gave us something new.  

The reunion was wonderful.  Like Christmas day, it injected us with a feeling of love and joy.  As I sit here typing this, utterly exhausted by the drive back (since I drove the home route), I don't feel those blues anymore.  I feel joy. Oh, I know the blues are waiting for me, like a predator stalking prey for an ambush, but when that happens again, I'm going to read this and remember -- we are here for a reason.


Romans 8:23 (NASB)
²⁸ And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the creator of the website Free Vintage Art.  All credit for the lovely image of Jesus in the manger belongs to them.