Light On The Next Step

Tomorrow, Ben and I will receive the results of last Thursday's P.E.T. scan.  Happily, I've not been losing sleep over this incoming information.  At least, sleep has not been lost yet.  There is still tonight to get through.   I'm pretty tired as I've been dealing with an antsy child this weekend, so I'm hoping I'll crash and sleep through until at least dawn.

But, this is the "light" on our next step.  What is seen on the scan will direct us to Ben's next procedure.  I want full remission, and I'm praying for that whole-heartedly.  However, God has a plan greater than mine, and I must also be prepared to accept His plan.  The Bible promises that His plans are always good.  I may not agree with God's plan, but I must trust that He has my best at heart.  I'm not going to lie -- it's hard.  

I love Ben very much.  Before the surgery, he'd beat me to the door by 5 feet.  Now?  I'm slowing my pace to keep pace with him.  He's lost quite a lot of weight, which is something he was already working on, but he's much lower than he'd intended to aim for.  He has days that go something like this -- feel good, feel good, feel good, CRASH.  Exhaustion hits swiftly and unexpectedly.  Standing for long periods of time is not possible, nor is being out and about amongst lots of people.  These things I want to see gone from his life.  I want him to feel good.  I want him to feel well.

But, God's plan is in here somewhere.  If we close our eyes, and get very still and quiet, He might share that plan, or direct our steps.  But, I've not really been able to be still and quiet.  My mind races into the Never-Never Land of What-Ifs which is populated by phrases like "terminal", "surgery", and "stage 4".  Phrases that threaten to drag you out behind the woodshed and exact some strange, twisted justice on your fragile emotional state.  And too often, I fall prey to them.

But God is greater than that.  God promises Heaven.  Heaven is populated by phrases like "no more illness", "glorified body", and "eternal praises".  God is the Great Healer -- Jehovah Rophe(1).  God is my Peace -- Jehovah Shalom(1).  God is my Strength -- Jehovah Uzzi(1).  Why am I fleeing wildly through my dark Never-Never Land of What-Ifs when I have the LORD of all creation promising me good?  I suspect I am struggling with trust.

I choose to trust my LORD.  But, it's very hard.  He may be giving us light for our next step tomorrow, but like the temporal person I am, I'll likely stumble over the thing forgetting that He's holding His outstretched hand to me, gently calling my name.

Therefore, I choose to give Monday, 2014 December 15 to the LORD.  I pray that I don't snatch it back out of His strong hands.

FLASHBACK

It is Sunday, 2014 August 24.  My life the past few days has been nothing but a sleep-deprived fog.  I'm vaguely aware of my responsibilities, and many are falling off the table and into the "can't deal with it" box.  I walk through my day struggling to maintain a steady face for the children so that I'm someone worth interacting with.  Truth is -- I cry myself to sleep every night, either into my pillow or as I sit on my knees trying to pray.

And trying is a good word for my prayers.  I can't find words, or don't know what to ask, so I just cry and whimper until my exhausted body finally begs to sleep.  I'm not sure if I'm eating well or not.  Time passes, and I'm just floating along moving from task to task like a robot.

The ICU at the hospital has extremely limited visiting hours.  Four times a day, I can visit Ben for just one hour.  So, I drive to the hospital, visit for an hour, and then go home.  Rinse and repeat that three more times.  This goes on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  By Friday, I've stopped crying when I walk from the hospital to the car.  Reality is sinking in, and I'm finally realizing that crying isn't my solution to my situation.  I need to be stronger.

On Saturday, Ben is moved into a regular room.  I can now come and go as I please from 8am until 9pm.  It's liberating to know that I can come when I'm not so sleepy as to stumble when I walk.  Saturday night I feel the LORD calling me to church.  I don't really want to go because I'm a bundle of emotion ready to burst wide open, but I feel He has a message for me. Ben gives me the blessing to go, so I do.

Well, of course, I burst into tears in Sunday School.  But, I have the best class in the universe.  I get hugged, and loved on, and prayed over.  It massages the aches in my soul, which is something I really needed.  As I head to the sanctuary for the worship service, I am stopped multiple times.  Folks want to bring us food.  They want to pray.  They want to hug.  

I'm feeling the very tender edges of heaven as I'm loved on unconditionally by people who love the LORD.  In my vast pain, no one cares if I cry.  They just love on me.

I finally walk into the sanctuary just as the first song begins.  I'm barely in my seat when I realize that God has indeed given me a personal invitation to church.

They are singing "How Great Thou Art".

I burst into tears.  The God of the universe extended a personal invitation to little ole me.  How many times this past week did I sing that song?  While driving?  While washing clothes?  While trying desperately to sleep?  10?  15?  50?  I have no idea, but it was my pillar for the week, and here it is again.  It was God's way of saying, "yes, Kimberly, I really want you here today."

Music ministers to me in a way I cannot put into words.  It touches deep into my being, bringing up the feelings of love, admiration, and wonder I have the LORD.  It lifts me into the presence of the King, sitting at His feet, looking up at Him with the awestruck wonder of a child.

From the second song, "The LORD Our God", I received a message of promise, a message of His provision and goodness.  I received a message that all is for His glory, which is what I want.

The third song, "This I Believe (The Creed)", drew me into the depth of my belief.  I'm not a seasoned, grizzled believer.  I'm still learning.  This song reminded me of my beliefs, of His power, and that no matter what happens, His children *will* rise again into glorified bodies.  This isn't all there is.  There's more, there's hope, there's Heaven. 

The final song, "My Heart is Yours", truly felt like it drew me into the presence of the King.  I was reminded that I gave my heart to King Jesus.  I must trust Him.  "My heart is Yours, my heart is Yours, take it all, take it all, my life in Your hands."  

Just the music alone ministered to me deeply.  The sermon was amazing.  But the best was the end of the service, and was not uttered by the pastor.  It was, instead, spoken by a child.

As the service closed with the song "I Have Decided", I chose to walk to the front for prayer.  I knew I'd lose it, but I had to have someone pray for us.  I had to hear another person speak peace over us.  My 10yo daughter followed me to the stage, and held onto my skirt as I sobbed into a prayer warrior.  He prayed over us, and I returned to my seat.  Once there, my daughter touched me so I looked at her.  She spoke these beautiful, gentle words:

"Don't cry mama.  God is going to heal daddy."

Oh the pure faith of a child.  Beautiful.  Just beautiful.  How I love the LORD!  He's amazing.  He called me to church, and spoke directly to my need through music and message.  

Matthew 5:4 (NASB)
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

(1) Reference: Praying Through the Names of God by Tony Evans, copyright 2014, published by Harvest House Publishers

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the creator of the website The Old Design Shop.  All credit for the lovely image of mother and child belongs to them.