I Wear Blue For My Hero

It is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness month.  Starting tomorrow, I will be wearing blue for my hero, my husband Benjamin, as he continues to fight this cancer.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything I felt was worthy of posting.  Much of what I've wanted to say fit neatly in a small package, so I posted it to Facebook for my family and close friends instead.  But today, on the eve of learning the results of Ben's latest scan, I thought I'd post.

I truly don't have much to say.  God has bestowed blessing after blessing upon us.  It makes me feel so incredibly loved that God cares for even the tiniest things in my seemingly mundane life.  And yet, He loves me in all my flailing and failings, so much so that He lifts my chin to tell me, directly, that He loves me.

I stand amazed.

Tomorrow, at 1:30pm central time, we will learn the results of the last P.E.T. scan Ben had, which was on Tuesday of this week.  It's rough waiting so many days, and yet some small part of me actually doesn't want to hear.  

God has a great plan.  His plan is always perfect, right, and right on time.  I pray His plan includes full earthly healing for Ben.  I also pray that, if God says 'no' to my request, that I can accept His plan.  Sometimes, it's hard being told 'no'.  

When I think back to Ben's visit to the walk-in doctor last April, there's one thing that comes to mind over and over. 

If only one person had said, "blood in your stool can also point to cancer," I think we would have taken action much more quickly.  It never crossed my mind.  Ever.  I never though, "oh cancer".  We both thought, "oh ulcer".  If only one person had ever said it, things might be different.  Might.  

Well, you know what hindsight is anyway.

I wear blue for my hero.  Ben, who's body has been subjected to chemicals I'd not will on an enemy.  Ben, who's complaints are very minimal.  Ben, who declines my offers to bring his drinks or foods when he's decidedly under the weather.  Ben, who works from home while also struggling with fatigue.  Ben, who's fingers are likely irreversibly damaged by one of the medicines, that he can feel constantly, yet says little.

Ben, my darling husband of 24 1/2 years, is my hero.  

I cannot even begin to imagine how he feels.  I cannot picture how I'd behave in his situation.  You cannot escape the startling reality of mortality as chemotherapy drugs drip through the IV and into the body.  How do you handle it?  

I'm not the one with cancer, but I deal with this poorly.  The house is a wreck, we often don't have nice, hot meals at night because I'm stuck in some strange world of "I can't do it anymore".  And yet, I look at Ben, think of what he's enduring, and I pull up my bootstraps and mush on.

He's the strong one.  I'm the weak one.  It's hard trying to be the strong one, while the strong one becomes the weak one.  God is my strength to pull me out of bed, to drag me to the store to get toilet paper (we ran out), to encourage me to call friends, and seek prayer.  I am not doing this on my own power, because my battery is low.  I am doing this because, when I plug into God's power, I can make it happen.

So, tomorrow, we get news.  I am praying for news of remission.  But no matter what happens, I will be praising God.  Why?  Because, no matter what happens, He is the Great I Am, and He is why I am.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 NASB

¹⁷ Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ Yet I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
¹⁹ The Lord God is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.

For the choir director, on my stringed instruments.

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the website Old Design Shop.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.