On the 4th day of Christmas...

On the fourth day of Christmas, the Father gave to all -- 
  the truth of the Gospels,
  prayers at Gethsemane,
  the veil torn in two, 
  and His Son to save us from our sins. 

The Gospels are Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.  They give us such an awesome picture of Jesus' life from four different perspectives.  And what I love is that, according to a source I read, Luke specifically wrote his version with the Gentiles in mind!  Jesus didn't just come for the Jews -- He came for *everyone*.  Isn't that an amazing, comforting thought?

I read a little story somewhere about a man who was a pastor.  He dreamed of an alternate world where Jesus had not (yet) come for all of mankind.  He was overcome by the sadness he felt because the Hope of the world had not given the greatest sacrifice of all.  There was no hope.  

I thought about that story for a long time.  I cannot imagine a day without Jesus.  I know I'm not the best, and I often drift, especially while grieving, but when I reach out for Him He's there to give me a hand up.  He's there to correct me, guide me, and hear my pleas.  He loves me no matter how much I flop around uselessly.  I'm not sure I could walk through another day in an uncertain world without the absolute certainty of Jesus' presence and saving grace.  

I pray that you can find peace and comfort in Jesus today.  I pray that, if you feel low, He lifts you up.  I pray that, if you are celebrating, that He provides the cheer.  I pray that, if you feel lost, He guides you onto His path to walk with Him.  Wherever you are, Jesus can come to you.  You cannot run so far away that He has no idea where you are.  He always knows.  He forgives when we ask.  He loves unconditionally.  You cannot go wrong with Jesus.  I pray you find that place in His resting arms today.

John 16:33 (NASB)

³³ These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.”

*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website The Graphics Fairy.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.

On the 3rd day of Christmas...

On the third day of Christmas, the Father gave to all -- 
  prayers at Gethsemane,
  the veil torn in two, 
  and His Son to save us from our sins. 

Before His crucifixion, in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus prayed about the upcoming task for Him.  In His prayers, He deferred His feelings on the task to that of the Father's will.  What an amazing prayer pattern Jesus defined for us here!

When Benjamin and I found out in January 2016 that his chemo was probably no longer effective, I felt completely defeated.  By March 2016 the ineffective chemo was verified and we knew that Benjamin was going to succumb to cancer.  There were so many struggles with this revelation and I eventually landed on "let's pretend it isn't happening and God will just heal him."  Not the most useful of decisions, I must say, but it's who I am.

In July 2016, Benjamin ended up in the hospital with a bowel blockage -- a common problem for colon cancer patients, apparently.  I thought he would die in the hospital, and I suspect Benjamin thought it too, though neither one of us spoke it.  He was admitted on a Friday and every day until Tuesday or so was pure pain and misery for him.

Then on Wednesday, Benjamin seemingly perked up.  That night, we sat up for a long time -- until well after 2am -- with our Bible apps open (I hadn't had the presence of mind to bring my Bible to the hospital) discussing Scripture.  Ben said, "I accept God's will for my life, but I wish I could have the assurance that all of this pain and suffering has a purpose."

I said, "I really believe God called me to blog about this journey with cancer, but I'm having all kinds of second thoughts about.  I wish He could reassure me too."

Not long after we each said that, the gastroenterologist whom Benjamin would be using came in and introduced himself. We proceeded to talk about faith, the LORD's work in the world, and the LORD's work in our lives.  He looked at Benjamin and flatly said, "you cannot see it now, but your suffering has a purpose."  He then went on to say that our lives and way the LORD was working through this storm was being watched by others and was important.

After he left, Benjamin said, "I've never felt the Holy Spirit move like that before."  I said, "neither have I."  Not once in all that time did a nurse come in and interrupt.   The LORD of all creation visited our hospital room in the person of the Holy Spirit to answer our questions through the words of another believer.

As Benjamin's life wound down and I lost the man he was to someone consumed by massive dosages of medications, I tried to repeatedly recall that night in the hospital.  God's will for Benjamin's life and His will for our family did not align when my personal desires.  It reminded me of Jesus' prayers that focused on the LORD's will for a situation.  It also reminded me that Jesus knows exactly what I'm feeling.

I deeply appreciate the prayers of the Garden of Gethsemane in the Bible.

Matthew 26:36-46 NASB -- The Garden of Gethsemane

³⁶ Then Jesus *came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and *said to His disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” ³⁷ And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and distressed. ³⁸ Then He *said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me.”
³⁹ And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” ⁴⁰ And He *came to the disciples and *found them sleeping, and *said to Peter, “So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour? ⁴¹ Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
⁴² He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, “My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done.” ⁴³ Again He came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy. ⁴⁴ And He left them again, and went away and prayed a third time, saying the same thing once more. ⁴⁵ Then He *came to the disciples and *said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Behold, the hour is at hand and the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners. ⁴⁶ Get up, let us be going; behold, the one who betrays Me is at hand!”


*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website The Graphics Fairy.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.

On the 2nd day of Christmas...

On the second day of Christmas, the Father gave to all -- 
  the veil torn in two, 
  and His Son to save us from our sins. 

Jesus' sacrifice at the crucifixion allows His followers to come boldly to the throne of the LORD of all creation.  I found this wonderful explanation of the significance of the torn veil from the website Answers In Genesis. Rather than try to paraphrase, I'll just give it to you here.  Please follow this link to see the original discussion from which this information was obtained.  :)

The book of Hebrews goes into great detail about the superiority of Christ and His ministry as High Priest when compared to the Levitical system and its priests. “This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil, where the forerunner has entered for us, even Jesus, having become High Priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek” (Hebrews 6:19–20). The writer of Hebrews explained that Jesus has gone “behind the veil” for us, to serve as our High Priest. The tearing of the temple veil signified the start of Christ’s ministry as High Priest. We no longer need to go through a regular priest to have access to God. We can go directly to Christ who now serves in that role. 

In the Levitical system, the high priest offered daily sacrifices for the sins of the people (Hebrews 7:27):, and once a year would go behind the veil to offer a sacrifice in the “Holy of Holies” (Hebrews 9:3, 7, NASB). The writer of Hebrews goes on to express the supremacy of Christ as our High Priest:

But Christ came as High Priest of the good things to come, with the greater and more perfect tabernacle not made with hands, that is, not of this creation. Not with the blood of goats and calves, but with His own blood He entered the Most Holy Place once for all, having obtained eternal redemption. (Hebrews 9:11–12)

Isn't this awesome?  Christ came so that we can come to the Father through Him.  We can have a loving and deeply personal relationship with the LORD of all creation!  We can bring our cares and concerns before Him without fear, knowing that He'll address our needs according to His plan for our lives.  I can't think of better news than that!

Today, I pray that you encounter the loving grace of the LORD of all creation.  He loves You so much and He wants to be a part of your life, providing you with guidance and supplying your needs.  He wants a personal relationship with you through His Son Jesus.  I pray that you find the time to enlarge this relationship so that you too can come boldly to the throne!  I pray you feel this great blessing in a mighty way.

Matthew 27:45-51New American Standard Bible (NASB)

⁴⁵ Now from the sixth hour darkness fell upon all the land until the ninth hour. ⁴⁶ About the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” ⁴⁷ And some of those who were standing there, when they heard it, began saying, “This man is calling for Elijah.” ⁴⁸ Immediately one of them ran, and taking a sponge, he filled it with sour wine and put it on a reed, and gave Him a drink. ⁴⁹ But the rest of them said, “Let us see whether Elijah will come to save Him.” ⁵⁰ And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit. ⁵¹ And behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth shook and the rocks were split.

*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website My Messy Manger.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.

On the 1st day of Christmas...

On the first day of Christmas, the Father gave to all -- His Son to save us from our sins.  

I pray that today you find yourself surrounded by the love of the Savior and that He will wrap you in His comforting arms. He has shown up in such a mighty way for our family in this holiday season -- in the midst of crippling sadness -- and just loved on us. I pray you have such an encounter as well, with Him meeting you at your specific point of need. May you experience an encounter with Him so powerful, you don't ever want it to end. 

With love from our family -- Kimberly, Matthew, Zachary, Aaron, and Rachel and our two beloved members in heaven, Benjamin and Caitlyn. 

John 3:16-17 NASB
16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. 

P.S. Yes, I know that the 12 Days of Christmas generally start on Christmas day, but I was mired in grief yesterday and thus unable to truly share. I pray you can still enjoy my "song".

P.P.S. I originally only posted this on Facebook. But I then decided to post it here as well.  Keeping a record is easier here than Facebook, plus more folks can see this for those whom the LORD leads to be here. 

*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website The Graphics Fairy.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.

The Empty Chair

It is 13 December, in the year of our LORD 2016. 

My beloved Benjamin, my husband of 26 years and father to our children, stepped from earth into eternity on 2 October 2016 at 8:30 pm.  By the loving grace of the LORD of all creation, I was at his side, holding his hand as he took his very last, long breath.  When he did not take another in, I realized that the reality I'd been ignoring, avoiding, pretending wasn't rushing at me like a freight train had finally arrived in the station -- I became a widow and single mother.

Hospice came to our house and sweetly cleaned him up and dressed him.  The hardest task in the universe was handing his clothes to the nurse and leaving the room.  After he was dressed in the lovely blue shirt I liked, our entire family gathered around him -- including my father and a minister from church -- and we prayed and absorbed the reality that Benjamin was singing with the angels and worshiping at the feet of his Savior while we are left reeling.  

It is 13 December, in the year of our LORD 2016.  We are between Thanksgiving and Christmas; holidays full of family, joy, happiness, and love.  As the world marches ever forward around us, celebrating and joyful, I am locked in some strange timeless fog, struggling to courageously step forward into the new life that the LORD has laid out for me and battling to release the heartbreaking past of Benjamin's devastating illness and the sadness of the days leading up to his death. 

In the aftermath of Benjamin's funeral, I have learned that grief is an strange, volatile emotion.  It casually rides into my day unpredictably like it owns the place, swirls around like a raging tornado wreaking havoc, and then leaves without regard for the damage that's done.  In its wake is my deep, sobbing emotions pouring from the gaping wound grief won't (yet) let heal into a hurt that cannot be described in words. 

But now, over two months later, I have finally reached a point where I can just write this little post on this little blog that's floating in a sea of millions of blogs, all detailing lives, and trials, and celebrations.  And to be able to just write this is one more step of probably millions that will take me forward into whatever tomorrows God has planned for me.

At Benjamin's funeral, which was bizarrely surreal, as I sat looking at his closed coffin at the graveside, I asked the LORD for a sign that my beloved was safely in His loving care.  The wind started to blow gently, causing one of the many yellow roses on Benjamin's coffin to burst into petals that floated here and there and down into the open grave below.  For many days after, I would see yellow butterflies here and there.  

"Rest easy, My child.  I have him.  Lean on Me."

It is exceedingly hard to erase the final weeks of Benjamin's life from my mind's eye.  Many a dark and teary night, as Benjamin restlessly lay in pain in the medical bed next to me, I would cry out to the LORD.  One of the questions I'd often ask was about the promise Jesus made in Matthew 5:4. 

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

I would say, "LORD, what will that look like?  Can You please help me see it when it comes?"  The LORD answered my question -- though it took a while for me to see it -- because the LORD of all creation cares for me.  

Through the loving hands and feet of His children, He has surrounded me with love and hugs, with supportive prayers, with warm, hot meals, with help for the house I neglected for 2 years, with pretty much any need I could envision.  Many of these loving children of the LORD I had never met before.  But they've walked with me -- sometimes for only minutes, sometimes for hours -- and held my hands or shaking body as I sobbed over the reality of loss.  But in every case, they are the LORD's touch in my life, called to help by the very One who created it all.

I have been comforted, just as Jesus promised, by the children of God.  

I still sometimes beg the LORD to tell me why we were chosen for this path, but I know the answer won't be given on this side of eternity.  Benjamin knows, though.  I see through a mirror dimly, but Benjamin sees it all face to face (1 Corinthians 13:12).  One day, I too will know.

I can't really end this blog post on a upbeat note.  Upbeat is an uncommon experience for me right now.  The sunny-side-up-glass-half-full gal that I've been for decades is struggling to see the light of today.  I can't open his wallet.  I can't move things around on his computer desk.  I can't go through the box of personal things brought from his office desk.  I can't open his closet in the bedroom.  I can't move his phone.  The pain it too real, too close, and too paralyzing.

But, I know this.  I know that God loves me because God is love (1 John 4:8).  I am assured that He cares for me (1 Peter 5:6-7).  Jesus told us that God would provide for us (Matthew 6:26).  And I know that if I persevere, that Jesus has prepared a place for me (John 14:2).  I trust the LORD to walk with us in Benjamin's absence as Father to the fatherless (Psalm 146:9).

Psalm 103:1-5 NASB

103 Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
² Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
³ Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
⁴ Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
⁵ Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

Oh Abba Father how I love You.  You know my grief and You keep my tears in Your bottle.  I know You care for us.  I thank You, Father, that You have comforted our family through the hands and feet of Your children.  I thank You that You are always with me.  I won't hide that I'm concerned for our family's future, but You have already planned it all out.  All I have to do is trust.  I pray that You'd help me with my unbelief and draw me so close to You, that all I have is joy.

Abba Father, I don't know what hurts the readers of this blog may bring when they pause on the internet highway to read, but I pray that You would meet them at their point of need in a very real way.  I pray that You would manifest Yourself in their world, their hurts through the hands and feet of Your loving children.  I pray that You would bring them comfort as You've brought it to me and that Your loving embrace would surround them.

I thank You, Abba Father, that You are trustworthy and true, that You are light and love, that You are hope and grace, that You are mercy and forgiveness, that You are my all in all.  I love You, I praise You.  You are wonderful.  Amen.

Newness of Life

It is the 14th of September, in the year of our LORD 2016.  This is the eve of Benjamin's 51st birthday.

In my kitchen is, or was, a lovely houseplant; a gift from my mother-in-law to our 2nd son.  It flourished and flourished, first on the patio, then in the kitchen by the window.  It loved the filtered light, and I often turned the pot to keep it evenly growing.  It was lovely.

Then, one day, it inexplicably started dying down.  One by one the lovely green leaves turned brown, leaned over, and fell off.  We checked the water and the position of the pot, but could not diagnose the cause for death.  Eventually, only one leaf still remained, a strange, brown reminder of a once lovely and flourishing plant.

Benjamin once commented how much he liked the plant and wanted me to find a replacement.  I started my search to no avail.  Eventually, I ceased to look as Ben started to be more and more frail and sick and my need to be at home increased.  The search for the plant was forgotten and the pot remained in the kitchen.

Today, I went to the kitchen to warm leftovers for lunch, and then I saw it.

On this presumably dead plant is a single green leaf.  It's very tightly wound still -- so not yet open -- arching it's way toward the light of the window.  I stood in quiet contemplation, realizing how close I'd come to moving the pot outside to be reused, but could never make myself remove it.  

Out of the brown, seemingly dead plant, is rising a new life.

Benjamin is extremely frail now.  He is often confused, sleeps most of the time, and walks with an unsteady gait that causes me much concern.  As I watch his life wind down, I spend enormous amounts of time speaking to the LORD.  I've ceased asking Him "why" and have consistently asked Him for reassurances and direction.  

"What do I do now, LORD?"
"How am I going to get through this, LORD?"
"Where are our lives to go from here, LORD?"

Last night, I asked for reassurances again.  Today, I see new life springing from what appeared to be death.

It makes me think of the story of Job.  His life flourished, but then the storms came.  His faith was tested.  He had moments where he questioned the LORD.  And then, in the end, Job was restored.  The death of his former life was replaced with the newness of a restored life.

And through it all, Job praised God.
  
Job 1:20-22 (NASB)
²⁰ Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. ²¹ He said,

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

²² Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.

There is no indication that the LORD ever shared with Job the "why" of his storm.  And, likewise, I don't think the LORD will share with me the "why" of our storm.  

The life our family once had -- flourishing and green -- is coming to an end.  Out of that life will rise a new life for our family.  I trust that.  I trust the LORD.  I know He will never abandon me (Psalm 94:14), nor forsake me (Joshua 1:5). 

He didn't promise that life would be easy.  He didn't promise there would be no pain.  He never promised that I'd have all the answers.  But He DID promise that He would be with me, He would care for me, and He would protect me.

This is hard, but I love the LORD through it all.

I pray that my story might lift you up today, sweet reader.  Maybe you have a moment in your life like the plant -- some part of your life -- that is dying down, slowly and painfully.  But please know that God will spring newness from that as you stay faithful to Him and trust Him.  Give your anxiety to Him, for He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7).

Hebrews 11:1 (NASB)
The Triumphs of Faith

11 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 

Stormy News

It is 5 June in the year of our LORD 2016.  Our family has now been on this cancer journey for 21 months.

In the book Daniel chapter 3 is the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.  Now this is a story I'd heard as a child.  I had a memory of the story, but I had apparently not ever actually read the story as listed in the Bible.  A bit of a failure on my part, I suppose.

Anyway, not long ago something came across my Facebook feed about this passage and the author mentioned something she'd not noticed before.  Lo and behold, I'd not ever seen it either.  I've since read it a couple of times because it's presence resonates with me whilst on this journey.

In short, the story is of 3 young men who chose to worship the LORD.  The king of their time, Nebuchadnezzar, built an image of gold and decreed that when the music played, everyone was to fall down and worship this image.  As the story goes, the 3 young men did not fall down and were reported to the king.  He demanded their compliance, but they refused.  Below, is what they said as taken from the NASB version of the Bible, Daniel 3:16-18.

¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. ¹⁷ If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. ¹⁸ But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

Verse 18 is the "it" to which I refer above.  These 3 young men declared that "if it be so", God would save them.  Then, in verse 18, they acknowledge that it might NOT be in God's will to save them.  But either way, they were serving the LORD and not a created idol by the king.

This is interesting to me, because this is how I've taken to praying regarding Ben's health.  I pray for full earthly healing and abatement of pain, but I follow that with "if it be in Your will."  It is heartening to read a story in which the heroes hold the same prayer pattern.  

The last time I posted, Ben's cancer marker had declined from 34 to 33.  I celebrated this number because it was a ray of hope, a feeling that perhaps it IS in God's will to heal Ben.  That, perhaps, we will emerge on the other side of the stormy valley with a great healing testimony.

Well, all that came crashing down this past Friday.  It's been a month since we heard Ben's CEA value.  And, on Friday, we learned that the CEA value had risen to a whopping 62.  62.  A hope-crushing revelation I was utterly and completely unprepared to hear.  I felt like someone dropped an anvil on me.  For a moment in time, I floated away from the sterile room to the Throne of Grace and cried, "why".

I cried in the doctor's office, I cried later in the afternoon with my head resting on Ben's tired chest, and I cried myself to sleep that night.  In the midst of that, Ben decided he wanted to go to the final weekend of the Georgia Renaissance Festival.  He was unable to rise Saturday morning due to pain.  Sunday was the absolute final day.  Praise be to God, we made it.  

Rain chance at the Festival was 80%.  There wasn't a drop to be had.  It was a cool, breezy 80 degrees Fahrenheit -- it actually felt very nice.  It was mostly cloudy, hiding the sun away from Ben's sensitive skin. Ben's pain was manageable and we didn't have to leave early.  We sat and listened to music, jokes, drums.  We held hands.  We walked.  We were.

It felt like the LORD said, "I want you two to have this day together, to hold hands, to be a couple.  It's storming; take some rest."

I declare the same as the boys before Nebuchadnezzar.  No matter what the LORD's will is, no matter what earthly pain it may inflict on me, I will worship the LORD.  He is my Rock, my Salvation, my Banner, my Protector, my Provider, my Comforter, my Savior.  I love Him.  I trust Him.  I will not give Him up.

This is a busy week, upcoming.  On 7 June, Ben will have another P.E.T. scan.  On 8 June, we will learn the results and a decision on future chemo and/or medical trials will be considered.  On 9 June, we celebrate our 26th anniversary together.

After that?  It's in the hands of the LORD, the Creator of heaven and earth.

Psalm 28:7 NASB

⁷ The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him.

*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website The Graphics Fairy.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.