A Gentle Breeze

Things have been quiet since my last blog post.  I'm not very good at blogging -- I actually find it a little like a chore -- but I do like to blather on, so a blog is a way to do that.  That way, those who want to read my blathering can, and those who don't can go watch a movie instead!  Win win for everyone, I say.

So, this post is a touch long.  My apologies, but I can't really cut this down.

This past September 2015, Ben found out that two of his tumors have "gone quiet" and the other two persist.  So, while that was a PRAISE moment (thank You Father God!!), that also meant more chemotherapy, though the oncologist reduced the dosage to facilitate an improved QoL.  Up until this scan in September, his CEA tumor marker had been going down, but since then, it's slowly creeping back up.  He's done three chemotherapy sessions in this round, and last week he had a regular appointment.  This is my post from Facebook the day of the appointment (23 October 2015).

"Ben had an appointment this morning with his oncologist. Overall, he was okay. On his blood results we got that his immune system is mostly okay, his potassium is still a little low, his calcium is a little low, and he's still a bit anemic. Unfortunately, his cancer marker rose again. He's feeling decent today, so that's a bonus.

I'm going to Andalusia this evening for a crafting sleepover with my friend Angie. I am going to do my best to let go of my responsibilities and just enjoy experimenting on things or making things. I'm going to sit in the quiet of the loveliness of Blue Lake and absorb the beauty of the world that Got created.

He said, "Be still and know that I AM GOD."
So, I'm going to pray to just be still.

Please do pray for Benjamin, not only for his blood work results, but also for his care of the kids tonight. He must take Rachel to a soccer game tonight and, if they win, tomorrow morning (I believe). Please pray that he's up to that. If he's not, please pray that perhaps our older son or my dad will be available to help, as needed.

The cancer marker's rise fills me with a deep dread. BUT, God has a plan. I'm going to simply trust that plan. I'm going to hold onto the hem His robe as He walks me through this storm. This is not going like I'd do it, but that's okay. His plans are always good, right, and right on time. No matter what happens, I will praise the One who sustains me, refreshes me, redeems me, forgives me, loves me, strengthens me, defends me, provides for me, comforts me, whispers to me, and owns it all. My praise will come at the feet of the LORD Jesus."

Source: O'Canada

Obviously, I do quite a lot of crying out to God.  He's not burdened by this at all.  He has time to listen, and He loves me and WANTS me to cry out to Him. 

I packed the van with my supplies and started the long drive to Andalusia.  It takes about 2 hours, and most of it is not lovely interstate.  As I started my drive, I comment out loud to my teddy bear -- who was making the ride with me -- that the sky was so beautiful and filled with fluffy white clouds, I needed a picture to paint later.  (See image to right for an example.)

After I moved from the interstate to a US highway, I was able to spend more time observing the beauty of the day.  Trees lined road, it was lightly traveled, and was just generally peaceful.  And during this time, that's when I saw it, the cloud formation that made me say, "did I really see that?"

And I did.  I managed to take this picture.  There was no one behind me, and only the 18-wheeler in front of  me.  By the time I took the shot, the clouds were less well formed.  But, just above the tree-line, mid-picture is what I saw -- two hands together, forming a heart.

Source: Wallpapers WIDE

It's was not nearly as well-formed by the time I got this shot, and I deeply regret not stopping to just take it, but I was afraid to stop since I was alone.  You will have to take my word for it -- the formation of the clouds blew me away.  It made me think of God saying, "you are too full of worry and fear.  I love you.  Trust Me, and let worry go."

I felt so good after seeing those clouds.  I felt *comforted*.

Now, I didn't find time until Saturday morning to simply be still.  As I sat on the bench in front of our lodge, I realized that all I could hear were the sounds of nature.  No cars, no interstate noise, no honking horns, nothing man-made.  It was just nature.  And as I sat there, I said aloud, "I don't really know how to be still and know You are God.  I don't know what to do."

So, I started remembering a story in 1 Kings, where Elijah the prophet challenged the prophets of Baal at the altars (1 Kings 18:20-40).  In short, the prophets of Baal could do nothing, but the power of the LORD answered Elijah that day and the prophets were slain after God's amazing demonstration.  That upset Jezebel (whom the prophets served) so much, she told Elijah she was going to kill him, so he fled (1 Kings 19:1-8).  Eventually, Elijah is on the mountain of Horeb, in a cave.  There, he laments to God that Jezebel wants to take his life.  This exchange between him and God then takes place.

1 Kings 19:11-13 (NASB)
¹¹ So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

As I pondered this story, I heard a sound.  It was a gentle breeze.  It passed through the trees from east of me to west of me.  And, then it ceased.  True to form, tears filled my eyes.

Psalm 46:10 NASB
“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

In the sounds of nature, with the absence of man's noise, I heard a gentle breeze.  Now, I'm not Elijah.  I didn't hear a voice that said, "what are you doing here, Kimberly."  But I felt the presence of the LORD.  I felt His peace, and His love. 

But, you know what struck me the most about Elijah's moment with God?  God didn't yell to get his attention.  He essentially whispered.  He doesn't fly at us, angry that we question Him.  He passes by in the gentle breeze to say, "what's wrong?"  If you read the remainder of the passage, Elijah pours out his heart to God.  And to his heart's cry, God gives Elijah gentle instruction.  There's no admonishment, no chastisement -- just simple instruction.  

Now, I don't have anything particularly profound with which to end this blog.  When I arrived home on Saturday, the weight of my responsibility returned.  But I did come back with something I needed -- a reminder of God's reassurance.  He hears the cry of my heart, He sees the tears on my face, He knows the worries of my mind and yet, in the gentle breeze He reminded me that He is ever-present.  I lose sight of that because I let the clamor of life drown out the Gentle Breeze.

How do I fix that?  I cannot tell you ... yet.  Perhaps I'll have that in a future blog post.

But, for you my reader, I pray that you receive from my post something that lifts you up, that reassures you that the LORD of all creation loves YOU.  I pray you are able to listen for Him in the gentle breeze, to hear His sweet whispers.   I pray you are comforted for whatever troubles you and worries you, that He can wrap you up in a blanket of reassurance and bolster your trust.  I pray that you rest peacefully, know that He has a love so great, not a thing in this world can break it.  I pray that the LORD blesses you with sweet, sweet peace.

Sources:
O'Canada: http://ocanadablog.com/2012/11/20/visit-to-wolfville-nova-scotia-and-surrounding-area/
Wallpapers WIDE: http://wallpaperswide.com/hands_making_a_heart_in_the_sunset-wallpapers.html

 

God's Timing is Always Right

God is so good.

If you've been following my posts for a while, you'll know that my faith plays an important role in my ability to deal with what is happening.  I'm still human, though, and sometimes I cry out in strange ways.  

As I watch Ben lose his hair by the handfuls, I struggle with all kinds of internal emotion I find hard to describe.  I mean, it's not like I'm somehow oblivious to what's going on, it's just that stuff like this is very striking.  To say that I have been crying out to God is an understatement.  I finally made a section in my Prayer Notebook entitled "Cries of the Heart" and I poured out my emotions to Him.  He already knew, but it was helpful to put my disjointed words on paper.

So far, there's only one entry in the "Cries of the Heart", and it was made on July 3rd, a Friday.  I won't post the contents here, but it consisted of a lot of whining ending with "please give me strength as I don't feel like I can take one more step."

Of course God gives me strength every day.  I mean, it's why I get up.  If not for Him, I'd lie in bed staring at the ceiling, mired in hopelessness and wrapped in sadness.

But, I get up, I spend time in Scripture and prayer, and then go through my day, and very often the hopelessness and sadness are washed away by God.  I don't feel them all day, until I lie down to sleep again.  

So, on July 3rd, I cried out.

On Monday, July 6th, I ran into a friend at Wal-Mart.  She's a sweet lady who's overcome many hurdles to homeschool three wonderful men to adulthood.  She was so reassuring when we chatted in the store, and I shared some things that were on my heart, but I'd never spoken aloud.  When I said, "I wish God would just take it from me."  She said that I really didn't want that.  And you know what, she's right.  Even the Bible tells us that we are refined by the trials of our lives.  It's not supposed to be easy.  I mean, the fire used to refine silver is HOT.  Why wouldn't the trials to refine our faith be TOUGH.  I can see it.  

She ended our meeting with a hug and lots of reassuring words I won't share here.  It meant an awful lot to see her, and God knew I needed to hear strong words from someone.

On Tuesday, July 7th, I ran some errands to supplement my school planning.  When I got back, my husband mentioned that his cousin had sent me a package.  I opened the package to find absolutely gorgeous kitchen hand towels emblazoned with Scripture!  They have verses from Psalm 89, Psalm 33:5, Psalm 91, and Psalm 103.  They are dominated by blue embroidery with gorgeous little blue and yellow birds.  My favorite color is blue!  I would have burst into tears if not for the presence of my husband.  It felt so good to read the precious note she wrote me included with the towels and hold such lovely creations displaying the LORD's Scripture.

God knew that I'd be moved by such a lovely gesture, and that having His Scripture before my eyes as I pass through the house would lift me up.  

On Wednesday, July 8th, I decided to take a challenge I read on Facebook.  I don't recall the wonderful lady who suggested it, but she said that we should chose a Scripture to pray over and then pray over it every hour, on the hour.  So, starting at 9:15 am, I prayed over Jeremiah 29:11-13.  This is my "cling to" Scripture, a promise made by God to His children.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NASB)

¹¹ For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.
 

I have memorized this Scripture to hide in my heart.  And today, I have prayed over it multiple times.  I've probably done more crying over it than anything.  I KNOW God made this promise.  I just need His reassurances.  I mean, I don't know what tomorrow holds.  I actually don't know what today holds.  I only know what this MOMENT holds.  But God promised that He'd take care of us.  Why do I need reassurance?  Because I'm human.  So, cry and pray for it, I did.  

One of my prayer times was during my haircut.  As my wonderful stylist was working on my hair, I prayed my Scripture, for her, and for the facility's owner.  When we got home from the cuts, I ate lunch and finally found time to log into Facebook.  There, I found an unexpected message.  The sweet lady who runs the homeschool group I'm part of wanted to let me know that someone had paid my dues for the next year and she was going to tear up my check I'd sent earlier.  

Not going to lie -- I burst into tears.

"For I know the plans I have for you...."

I cry out to God and He answers.  BEFORE I EVEN ASKED, He answered on Monday, He answered on Tuesday, and now He's answered on Wednesday.  Every single instance designed to bolster a tired and aching wife of a darling husband fighting a deadly disease.  Designed exactly for me, at exactly the right time.

I don't know where you are today, lovely reader, but I pray that you get the assurance you need for your situation.  I pray you find the Scripture to lift your heart to new heights, I pray that you receive the right word at the right moment for your circumstances, but most of all I pray that you encounter the One True God in a way that leaves you speechless.

It may not seem like it with this long post, but I'm full of tears of joy and am speechless over God's amazing provision.  He's made a promise, and now He's reassured me.

Oh, LORD, how I love You.

Psalm 91:4 (NASB)
He will cover you with His pinions,
And under His wings you may seek refuge,
His faithfulness is a shield and a bulwark.

*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website The Graphics Fairy.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.

And Just Like That ... The Ship Runs Aground

Well, three months ago, I posted about our cancer journey.  At that time, we'd not gotten great news, but basically a report that it was "about as good as it's going to get."

So, for three months, Ben had amazing quality of life.  The pills, while riddled with their own brand of side effects, came nowhere close to the misery of the IV chemotherapy.  Ben enjoyed somewhat better sleep, a better overall feeling of health, and a generally happier (seemingly) demeanor.  He still suffered the diarrhea and tummy troubles, along with troubles in the hands and feet, but it just wasn't near as bad as the IV chemo.

On June 4th, that came to an end.  

He had a new P.E.T. scan on June 1st.  I prayed that God would suck the cancer out of Ben and make the scan clear.  I asked everyone I know to pray for similar.  But, God said, "no".

On June 4th, we found out that the cancer tumors are, again, active.  Once more, it's back to the IV chemotherapy.  It's back to the side effects that are more debilitating, the more upset tummy, the more traumatized digestive system.  We are back to 3 days out of every 14 of sitting in the cancer center, waiting, waiting, waiting.  Waiting for blood tests. Waiting for the pharmacy to pull up the medication.  Waiting for the drip, drip, drip of life-saving medication that simultaneously destroys cancer and wrecks healthy cells.

But, you know what?

We had 3. Good. Months.

We had 3 months of loveliness.  Of energy, and laughter, and feeling like life was kinda-sorta-almost-maybe normal.  It was bliss.

And I am grateful to the LORD of all creation that we had those 3 months.  He gave us a breather.  I needed it. 

So, as I post this, we are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary.  When I was first told that Ben had colon cancer, the only things I knew about that type of cancer wrapped around my brain stem and strangled all rational thought and I stammered to God, "please, let me celebrate my 25th anniversary with him.  Please don't call him home."

And here we are, prayer answered.  Perhaps I should have aimed for the stars!  But, I didn't.  I aimed for tomorrow.  And you know what, Jesus even told us to stop worrying about tomorrow.  He's amazing and I'm not.  I can't quite stop worrying.

This coming Thursday begins the next cancer chapter.  A new medication will be used, one that doesn't cause neuropathy in his hands and feet.  However, it definitively causes hair loss.  When the doctor shared that, Ben silently took out the scale of "which one is less worse" and weighed the options.  You could see it in his eyes as he pondered the choices.  Ultimately, he chose hair loss.

My prayer for him is unchanged.  God is Jehovah Rophe.  He is the Great Healer.  I am praying for earthly healing.  I am also praying for acceptance of God's ultimate plan.  I know the odds. Ben does too.  But, we are still asking for earthly healing.

So, as the journey starts again, I return to the verse of hope for me, the verse I read over our 2nd son as he graduated in May.  I share it, again, with you.  Because, you wanna know something really cool?  

God ALWAYS keeps His promises.  You can bank on that.

God is good,
All the time.
And all the time,
God is good.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NASB)

¹¹ For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.


*Graphic at beginning of page is from the website Free Vintage Images.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them. 

The Rest of the Story

So, as mentioned in my last post, we got the results of Ben's P.E.T. scan.  It wasn't as we'd hoped, but it wasn't truly bad either.  

The short of it was -- this is your life now.

The doctor never said remission.  Instead he said that the tumors are as small as they'll ever be.

The doctor never said that chemo was over.  Instead he said that Ben would always be doing some type of treatment to keep those tumors from growing.

So, indeed, this is our lives now.  There's no more guessing.  This is the new path God has placed us upon.  Our feet have left the comfortable path of yesterday, and been placed on the unknown path of now.  So, we must walk it.  

We have two choices -- we can fumble in the darkness, feeling blindly in the fading light wondering what's next.

Or, we can walk in The Light.  And God will give us just enough Light for the next step.  And we can learn to trust Him in ways that we may have never experienced before.

Life is full of noise and clamor.  God is full of peace and joy.  I'll take the peace and joy.  I just pray I can KEEP taking the peace and joy, and stop leaning on Kimberly to do things that Kimberly is really barely capable of doing.

So, there is a "rest of the story", to quote the late Paul Harvey.

Ben was offered a regimen of chemotherapy pills. This would replace the 6-8 hours of time spent at the cancer center.  It would also, theoretically, eliminate the need for the Neulasta shot that is so debilitating. 

But, there was a cost.  And that cost was quoted to us as being $900/month.

Welp, that was that.  We are too stretched to pull that off.  The cancer center suggested we contact our insurance to see if there was another option.  I then started asking people to pray.  I mean, Ben so much wanted to get away from that shot, and I wanted so badly for him to have that too.

Ben contacted the insurance and after about an hour on the phone he came back with an estimate if we used their mail order option.

$35/month

God is so good!  It would have never dawned on me to trust mail order, but the experience has been very good and very affordable!

However, that is not "the rest of the story."

For seven days, Ben took this medication -- 4 pills in the morning, 4 at night.  At the end of the seven days, Ben said that though the side-effects are basically the same, he doesn't feel quite as bad.  His fingers and toes are tingling (nerve damage), and his digestive system is screwy, but he didn't lose 3 days to Neulasta.

And ... here's the biggy.

At some point in the past, I mentioned in a post how much I missed the days when Ben would out-walk me to the door of a store.  He would walk so fast, he'd end up stopping to watch me catch up.  This cancer took that away from him, and the roles changed such that I'd often stand and wait on him.

But not anymore.

As we walked to the cancer center to see the nurse practioner after his first 7 days of the pills, he did it. 

He out-walked me.

He had to turn and wait.

And I was stunned.  After 7 long months of miserable chemotherapy to fight the cancer monster, Ben felt well enough to OUT-WALK ME.

You know what?  I'm so glad.  It's a small step.  We can't have that old path back, but having this old reminder of a different path made a huge difference to me that day.  Maybe it's silly.  Maybe it's strange.  Maybe it goes away again.  

But I had it that day.

That one day, I had Ben back to himself.

The drug therapy is so much better on him.  Side effects are going to happen, but quality of life matters so much.

So, I thank the LORD of all creation for hearing my cries, and answering me in this way.

I am grateful.

And for those of you who read this and pray regularly, this is our praise.  Did we get our "yes" from the LORD?  No, not really.  But He's still taking care of us!  I love Him so much.

Thank you so much, my precious friends.  You are a treasure on earth.

Praise the LORD!  Praise Him!

Psalm 150 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

A Psalm of Praise.

150 Praise the Lord!
Praise God in His sanctuary;
Praise Him in His mighty expanse.
² Praise Him for His mighty deeds;
Praise Him according to His excellent greatness.

³ Praise Him with trumpet sound;
Praise Him with harp and lyre.
⁴ Praise Him with timbrel and dancing;
Praise Him with stringed instruments and pipe.
⁵ Praise Him with loud cymbals;
Praise Him with resounding cymbals.
⁶ Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord!

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the website Antique Images.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them. 

 

I Wear Blue For My Hero

It is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness month.  Starting tomorrow, I will be wearing blue for my hero, my husband Benjamin, as he continues to fight this cancer.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything I felt was worthy of posting.  Much of what I've wanted to say fit neatly in a small package, so I posted it to Facebook for my family and close friends instead.  But today, on the eve of learning the results of Ben's latest scan, I thought I'd post.

I truly don't have much to say.  God has bestowed blessing after blessing upon us.  It makes me feel so incredibly loved that God cares for even the tiniest things in my seemingly mundane life.  And yet, He loves me in all my flailing and failings, so much so that He lifts my chin to tell me, directly, that He loves me.

I stand amazed.

Tomorrow, at 1:30pm central time, we will learn the results of the last P.E.T. scan Ben had, which was on Tuesday of this week.  It's rough waiting so many days, and yet some small part of me actually doesn't want to hear.  

God has a great plan.  His plan is always perfect, right, and right on time.  I pray His plan includes full earthly healing for Ben.  I also pray that, if God says 'no' to my request, that I can accept His plan.  Sometimes, it's hard being told 'no'.  

When I think back to Ben's visit to the walk-in doctor last April, there's one thing that comes to mind over and over. 

If only one person had said, "blood in your stool can also point to cancer," I think we would have taken action much more quickly.  It never crossed my mind.  Ever.  I never though, "oh cancer".  We both thought, "oh ulcer".  If only one person had ever said it, things might be different.  Might.  

Well, you know what hindsight is anyway.

I wear blue for my hero.  Ben, who's body has been subjected to chemicals I'd not will on an enemy.  Ben, who's complaints are very minimal.  Ben, who declines my offers to bring his drinks or foods when he's decidedly under the weather.  Ben, who works from home while also struggling with fatigue.  Ben, who's fingers are likely irreversibly damaged by one of the medicines, that he can feel constantly, yet says little.

Ben, my darling husband of 24 1/2 years, is my hero.  

I cannot even begin to imagine how he feels.  I cannot picture how I'd behave in his situation.  You cannot escape the startling reality of mortality as chemotherapy drugs drip through the IV and into the body.  How do you handle it?  

I'm not the one with cancer, but I deal with this poorly.  The house is a wreck, we often don't have nice, hot meals at night because I'm stuck in some strange world of "I can't do it anymore".  And yet, I look at Ben, think of what he's enduring, and I pull up my bootstraps and mush on.

He's the strong one.  I'm the weak one.  It's hard trying to be the strong one, while the strong one becomes the weak one.  God is my strength to pull me out of bed, to drag me to the store to get toilet paper (we ran out), to encourage me to call friends, and seek prayer.  I am not doing this on my own power, because my battery is low.  I am doing this because, when I plug into God's power, I can make it happen.

So, tomorrow, we get news.  I am praying for news of remission.  But no matter what happens, I will be praising God.  Why?  Because, no matter what happens, He is the Great I Am, and He is why I am.

Habakkuk 3:17-19 NASB

¹⁷ Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
¹⁸ Yet I will exult in the Lord,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
¹⁹ The Lord God is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.

For the choir director, on my stringed instruments.

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the website Old Design Shop.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to them.  

God's Reassurances

I don't really have a lot to say tonight, but I do want to share something that continually amazes me -- God's reassurances.

I'm not sure why God has to step in over and over to reassure me of His promises.  It's not like I don't already know, because I do.  But, I get lost in the events of life.  I see Ben suffering under the effects of the chemo, or the immunization booster shot and I get ... lost.  I *know* God's promises, but when the reality of living blocks my view of the LORD, I guess I "forget".

However, God loves me so much, He doesn't mind reminding me just how much He loves me.  And, for that, I stand amazed.  I mean, I can't really remind my kids to do the same thing twice without a little "grump" in my voice, yet the LORD of the universe is patiently nodding, reminding me "yes, yes, My child, I love you and will take care of you."

I'm grateful He does that for me, and for each and every one of us.  He is always ready to show us His love.

So, one of the verses I cling to is God's promise for my life -- Jeremiah 29:11 (NASB):

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

I've probably mentioned this promise multiple times over various posts.  Ben is our family's breadwinner.  His cancer is dangerous.  His struggles are constant.  As such, this makes the future feel quite uncertain, even bleak.   But that's not what God promises.  So, this verse, and Romans 8:28 (NASB) are the verses to which I cling.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

If you've been reading this blog, you've seen me quote these before. But, I somehow forget.  Or, I let life consume me, and I lose sight of the truth of Scripture.  

On January 1st, I decided to start a new devotional that includes space to write thoughts and reflections.  The devotional, Jesus Calling, A 365-Day Journaling Devotional by Sara Young, was an impulse purchase as I bought Christmas presents.  When I bought it, I thought I might give it to someone, but I felt strongly as if I were to keep it.  So, I set it aside for my personal use.

As I sat to write, I reflected on how very much our lives had changed with Ben's diagnosis, and how the future was currently unrolling.  I was pondering how I'd use the guide and what I'd write while also considering the future of who might read it (hopefully just one of my children).  I opened the book to January and there it was, in print for me for all eternity.

God's mighty promise.



I was astounded.  I sat silent for a long time, simply looking at the page and the verse I cling to like Linus to his blanket.  This is my security verse and here it was, given to me by the LORD of the universe.  He knew I'd need it, so He urged me to keep the book.  And while looking at this verse, I was surrounded by a profound feeling of love, and care.

And that's how I started my new year, the year of our LORD 2015.  

Thank You, my Father, for loving me so much!  I pray that you who are reading this will feel the warmth and undeniable presence of His love right now, wherever you are, and whatever you may be going through.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NASB

¹⁶ Rejoice always; ¹⁷ pray without ceasing; ¹⁸ in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the website HubPages, specifically the collection of Carla Chadwick.  All credit for the lovely image belongs to her. 

Here For a Reason

It's been a little while since I last posted.  We did receive Ben's P.E.T. scan results, and while they weren't "bad", they were also not necessarily "good".  They were, in a boring word: progress.  One tumor gone, one unchanged but no longer active, and two more spots to watch.  Diagnosis: six more sessions of chemo over three months, starting December 30th.

It took me a LONG time to process that information, and accept that God's answers to my prayers were not "yes".  I've had to remind myself that this is His plan, it's always good for those who love Him, and it's not for calamity.  But, I'm human, and it doesn't look like not-calamity.  So, I am hanging onto faith.  God's got this, and I need to believe that with all my heart.

Unsurprisingly, I dropped pretty far into the blues.  We quietly remembered the delivery date of our stillborn baby girl on 1995 December 22.  And I realized one afternoon that all the plans I'd set up for Christmas back in July were decimated by the way our lives had changed.  It made me feel very weepy, down, and blue.  

Plans up in flames.  Diagnosis not what I'd prayed fervently for.  Weather gray and cold.

Yes, the blues found a home in me.  I struggled to find joy in anything, felt paralyzed by everything, and basically just didn't want to function.  It's a silly way for a mom to be cause my family needs all of me, but I wasn't really there to be had.  I was kinda there, kinda functioning, kinda moving, kinda doing.  But, all of mom wasn't present.

And then it happened.

Christmas 2014.

It happened in multiple parts.  So, I'm going to share each piece, and keep it brief enough so your eyes don't glaze over.

First, I wrapped presents.  Now, I'm a chronic procrastinator.  I was shopping as late as the night of the 23rd for ideas.  Like I said, my well-laid plans went kaboom, so I had to fall back into panic mode.  But here's the thing -- it wasn't panic.  I just calmly picked up each and every item that the LORD laid on my heart.

And then I wrapped them.  I printed my own gift tags, bought lots of snowflake paper, some ribbon and bows, and just buried myself in the task.  And it felt GOOD.  I mean, really REALLY GOOD.  I love love LOVE giving things to people.  And if you ever hint that you like blue, or flowers, or anything you'll get something from me eventually that matches that thing. And that brings me joy.  

Wrapping presents for my family brought me immense joy.  I felt the darkness lifting from my aching soul, and I found joy.

Next, we had Christmas with my family on the 25th.  It was silly, there was tons of food and lots of laughter.  I loved watching my kids open their gifts from my mom and dad, and my brother and his wife.  There were exclamations of surprise and thankfulness, and I was immersed in the moment.  I had been a little weepy earlier in the day, but that had no place in this moment.  This moment was the enjoyment of love and family and sadness had no place there.  More darkness lifted.

That night I received something from the LORD I did not expect.  As usual, I was crying to Him about our circumstances and He gave me this song over K-Love Radio.  Ben and I both went to look it up on Youtube, so we could see the lyrics.  I really encourage you to listen if you have time.

Here For a Reason by Ashes Remain

The lyrics for this song reached deep inside of me and reminded me -- all things work for good because God makes that promise in the Bible and His word is always true.


"Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There's purpose for your life
So don't give up
Don't lay down
Just hold on
Don't quit now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are here for a reason"

Yes, that's what His word promises.  There is a reason for this journey.  It's not something He haphazardly tossed in the general direction of our family.  He *chose* us for this journey.  He has a *purpose*.  Still hard, this journey, but He *chose* us for this not because He wants to harm us, but because He wants to make us stronger.  I can't see that yet.  I can't imagine how that will play out.  So, to faith I must cling, and He's reminding me that He's here, ever-present.

The final icing on the cake was the family reunion for Ben's side of the family.  He seemed really poor feeling Friday, and I was fearful we'd not be able to go.  However, on Saturday he arose looking and feeling good.  He even wanted to drive us there!  I was hesitant to let him drive the 2.5 hours, but I pushed that aside and said nothing.

And, for 2.5 hours, life felt normal again.  It was just like our old normal, and it was comfortable.  I melted into the world that represented, even though I knew deep inside that the old normal wasn't for us anymore.  God gave us something new.  

The reunion was wonderful.  Like Christmas day, it injected us with a feeling of love and joy.  As I sit here typing this, utterly exhausted by the drive back (since I drove the home route), I don't feel those blues anymore.  I feel joy. Oh, I know the blues are waiting for me, like a predator stalking prey for an ambush, but when that happens again, I'm going to read this and remember -- we are here for a reason.


Romans 8:23 (NASB)
²⁸ And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

*Graphics at beginning of page is from the creator of the website Free Vintage Art.  All credit for the lovely image of Jesus in the manger belongs to them.